Is That Love?

Ch10 Happy Or Sad?

U know what is love? even I don't know. But for me the clear definition of love is James don't ask me why because I don't have any answer to this.
This chapter revolves around the month of December. It was a very pleasant Christmas month. Our stupid teachers gave me a task to make card for Christmas choir group. I agreed on it. However, I needed help of someone and the first person that came in my mind was James.
I asked him to help me in card making stuff. He somehow agreed as he just needed an excuse to bunk classes.
We both took our materials and left for art room. I never saw what was coming.
Again me, him and our stupid senseless fights. For one moment we fight over contrasting ideas and on the other side we fight for no reason.
It's very typical move for us to make sketch pen marks on eachother's clothes.
Though we were working very nicely, I gave him task to cut leaves but at one point of time he was pissed off this made me laugh so hard. However we don't match eachother's personality to be something together. If he is 10, I am 2.
A lot of stupid arguments we had that day. In the art room, he found a box full of decorative items related to christmas and he somehow was tryna wrap those things around him. I looked at him and laughed so hard. We even put glue on eachother. After sometime, James asked, " Can you give me your hand?" I was stunned I don't know what I thought but I was scared. He was smirking. I gave my hand in his hand and he banged it in glitter paste. I was like wow how stupid of me. But I just couldn't say a word to him as he was so happily laughing thinking he pranked me.
We were sitting right there on our chairs and table, he dropped his pen down. I bent to pick it up and he just banged my head on the table. I was nearly traumatised as I got hurt very bad. Even he didn't wanted to bang it that hard as I could make it out from the way he was just apologising for 10 minutes. That made me laugh. All these things and then there was awkward silence between us. I thought to break it. I said, " I don't really have any crush on you just clarifying." I knew I was lying, he knew I was lying but none of us wanted to accept this. I couldn't make an eye contact with him as I said these words. He said, " Even if you like me, it is of no use." I heard those words and I felt a pause in my heart for a moment but I knew I didn't have to react on this. I controlled myself and focused on the card. Though this conversation didn't really change anything.
Heading back home I realised that my existence doesn't really matter in his life. We are different and I don't know why I fell for him. I don't know what we were but I know what we could have been only if our stars would have aligned in this pretty sky. He was practical and I was emotional. There is no way he could understand even 1% of my feelings but still that doesn't make any difference in my heart. In my eyes he was the one since the beginning and he would be the one till the end. I could never convince myself to move on from James. Only if I could rewrite my stars, I would make them align with that of his. But still at the end of the day, it's just me and my lost feelings, the love that is lost in his eyelashes which is neither mine nor could he see it as his eyelashes are conspicuously unadorned and so are my feelings.