I've been seeing a woman in my dreams.

5: It Only Got Worse

You don't forget the people you meet in places that impact you the most. I know this because when I recall Japan, it isn't so much the country I miss but the people I met. I am fortunate to marry one of those people, but many of those I worked with really only mattered the first time I was there.

Gaku wouldn't be in Kanagawa the second time. Sachio would be too encamped with work to give me more than a night of catching up. Kaeda, however, was there for me. And those nights, after being separated for nearly two years, warranted long conversations. I can't describe those moments with her. I have a harder time describing our reunion than anything else I've ever written.

By the time I returned a third time, I wouldn't just be married to Kaeda, but we would also have a toddler with us.

I will never forget the first time I was in Japan. And I will never forget the people I met who made it so personal. I love them, but they made returning seem less than it was. Perhaps that's just me, but even with the horror I was living with during my first stay, it was a unique experience I'll never get to live in again.

One of those people who made the biggest difference in my life was a non-Japanese person, and our paths crossed because of the line of work I was in. His name was Weasley, a "westerner" from the States. He was a missionary who embarked on a journey to a place he described as "the most difficult location to preach in."

My time with Weasley was a professional one, but we never lost connection. We spoke about everything, minute details, and life-changing participation. Around Weasley, I found a desire to spill my guts out about everything, a desperate eagerness that told me if I told him everything happening to me in the spiritual realm, he might have stayed and helped me combat this unholy situation I was trapped in.

Weasley was in his mid-30s, married with three children, and was hands down the most inspirational man I'll ever meet, and it's someone I'll never cross paths with again. He shared wisdom with me that I still practice today. Holy exercise and constant mental checks. I do not linger on negative thoughts, and I do not dwell in the past. I'll take moments to recall them, but to remain in those memories makes it seem like there was never anything beyond the past. Much like my reunion with Kaeda, I find it challenging to describe the impact his man had on my life, even in that stage in my early 20s.

I had other matters on my hand. However, my time was running out, and I soon found myself in the last month of my stay. I chose to spend it with Kaeda. I was more desperate for her than I was for my own well-being. I was certain that if I established a foothold in her memory, she wouldn't forget about me, but I was a fool. She loved me more than I knew, and she was showing me early signs that I wouldn't be so easily forgotten, even when there would be half a world between us.

My personal world crumbled. I couldn't sleep on the weekends. Every time I went out, my appearance didn't match my performance— orderly and near perfect. I drank, smoked, sang, and worked to get my mind off the nightmares and torments I had whenever I was alone. I saw demons and death, chaos and visions of hell. I was often poked, scratched, and sometimes bit in my sleep. I attempted to send the mask back to the States as a trinket, but when I did that, everything became worse.

I tried on several occasions to spend time away from my apartment by straining my tight budget on cheap hotels or staying with friends. The outcomes were lackluster. And the final night at my last hotel was by far the worst night in Japan.

Weasley was a stabilizer, but when he left, I became lost again, and I was unsure how to continue without his help. I was leaning on him for spectacular support, so when he left, I was in a free fall.

{Lunch with Weasley. We never had McDonald's or KFC when were traveling together. I took many suggestions from my coworkers, namely Gaku who sometimes traveled with us.}