✓│𝘈𝘭𝘭 𝘛𝘰𝘰 𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘭 (Bella Ramsey x OC)

01. Lazy Sunday

"𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐨𝐫 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐢𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐝

𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 '𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐡𝐨𝐰"

It's a regular Sunday afternoon. The light from the main window is slowly starting to fade away, as the sun starts dawning. I'm sitting on the couch, comfortably reading away in a new book one of my friends recommended to me. Any time I pick up a book, I can feel myself being transported to a different place, a different universe. It's something I have always felt to be quite comfortable and safe, because as any other person on this planet, sometimes I just wish I was somewhere or someone else. Don't get my wrong, I love my life and wouldn't have it any other way, but it wasn't always like this. As a teen I spent most of my years locked away in my bedroom, hopelessly depressed. This has always been a sensitive subject to me, as I lost my mother to suicide a few years ago. Around the time my mental health started regressing, so did my mom's. This is the main reason as to why I have hidden and shoved aside all my feelings for most of my teenage years. I knew it wouldn't do anyone any good, and my mom's life was on the line. After her death I found myself questioning life, but not in the same sense I did before. After she passed, I started noticing the little things around me. It sounds super cliché and dramatic (and it probably is), but I have never felt more in touch with life the way I did those few months after my mother passed away. 

Not being able to call myself a teenager anymore has truly changed the way I look at my accomplishments, and this has come with a lot of self loathing, alongside of dysmorphia. Due to my childhood, I have never been one to openly talk about my feelings, let alone be open about my thoughts. My dad was never a very talkative person, and his socialising skills certainly didn't improve after my mother's passing. When I don't know what to do, or how to feel my feelings, I pretend my mother is sitting next to me, and I spend some time telling her how I am doing at that given point. I always make sure no one is home when I do this though, because as much as it is helping me, I can't help but feel embarrassed by the fact that I talk to literal air for hours at a time. My therapist has told me that I should do whatever I feel like works, but I don't feel like I can truly trust her. Everything just feels forced when I go there, and the only reason anyone will ever find me in that building is so I can keep the people around me pleased. That tends to be my reasoning for most of the stuff I do.

I put my bookmark between the pages I left off at, putting my book down on the coffee table. I live in a pretty spacious apartment, despite my current low income. For the past few months, I have been taking shifts at a local clothing store, just looking for ways to spend my time. In the meantime I have tried to pursue my writing career (aka my biggest dream), but my motivation comes in strange waves, which I can't really control. Unlike other people, I can't sit down and just write, it has to come to me. I walk over to the kitchen, pouring myself a cup of tea. Looking out of the window, I take a second to admire the city in front of me. It has always been a dream of mine to live in London, and I have always pictured myself ending up here, but to actually be and live here surely feels surreal. Summer is finally beginning to come to an end, and I couldn't be any happier about it. The leaves are slowly changing colours, which announces the arrival of my all-time favourite season; autumn. There is just something about the warmth and coziness of the season that really grips my attention. It is the perfect time of year to start wearing sweaters and hoodies, without having to wear a coat outside. The sound of rain fills the appartment at night, nurturing me to sleep. It is the perfect time to pick up a book like today, and drift away into a different world.