The First & Last Summer

Chapter 2

Me and Lukariah always did what he wanted one Friday and what I wanted another Friday. We didn't cancel on each other. Ever. It was never fair and we only canceled if the other was in the hospital. I picked my favorite cafe this week. Something small but fun.

He canceled on me. Because going to go meet a freshman in high school and touching boobs was more important. He said I should understand, that it's not that big a deal and he would make it up to me. I left him on read. I couldn't muster more energy into him.

I just don't want him to leave me. To abandon me. I don't want that. I want him to want to stay. I want him to want me. I wanted to touch him whenever allowed. To hug him and kiss him like other couples at school do. When I got home I ignored my mom and began sobbing halfway upstairs. I went to my room and dropped my bag off my shoulder.

I took off my shirt, shoes, and pants. I crawled into bed and began sobbing into my pillow. It still smelt like him. Remembering all the hugs and cuddles I got. It doesn't make sense. He never ever picks me, I know he doesn't want me. He doesn't look at me like that. But it hurts. So so bad. How could I get him to love me? Like me? Stay with me?

I sat up and stared at my body. I dug my nails into my stomach trying to rip it off of me. I sobbed even harder. I just want him to stay. He has to stay. I got up and grabbed the pencil sharpener I had saved. I had undone the blade with my thumb nail. I began to carve at my stomach and thighs. Feeling up any lingering space from the rest of my scars.

Everything had to go. I needed to do something. Once the blood began to pour from each individually cut mark I put the razor back in its casing and went into the bathroom. I continued to sob but it was far lighter. Pain really relaxed me. I began to dab on the cuts with alcohol. Relishing in the sting. I breathed slowly. Eventually they all stopped bleeding. I grabbed one of Lukas hoodies and crawled back into bed. My nose buried in his neck area.

I hugged myself tightly. I sobbed softly as I fell asleep.

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My nightmares were always the same. That man, touching me, covering my mouth. My mom's boyfriend at the time. Hurting me. Making sure I knew how worthless I was in the process. I remember feeling scared. Unsure of how to tell my mom. Keeping it to myself until I was seven. I remember being at the police station. Telling them what happened. My mother's face.

It's like it broke her to know it had been going on for three years. I don't think Luka would remember, we weren't close then nor go to the same school. I always began to imagine a guy at school turning into him at every moment. It was terrifying. Living like that. I jolted up letting out a cry. Luka was standing in the door frame with a Dunkin' Donuts bag. His face doused in worry.

"Are you okay?" He asked. I curled up a bit, I looked away from him still fairly hurt from what he did. "Yeah, I'm fine." I stated as I laid back down. "You don't sound very convincing.." he muttered as he walked over. He set the bag on my nightstand and dropped to his haunches. He reached for my face and I turned from him. "Come on Tara... don't be like that." He pleaded. I shut my eyes and nuzzled into his hoodie.

"I'm sorry I canceled, we can do your place next week. It's just some cafe." He explained. I curled up into a fetal position. "Tara come on, don't ignore me.." he whined. I opened my eyes tearing up again. He made it sound like I was hurting him even though he was hurting me. My arms and thighs began to tighten and throb. The tears rolled down my cheeks silently as I swallowed the pain bubbling in my throat.

"Tara please.. this isn't fair." He stated. I turned to him sitting up. "What's not fair?!" I asked hysterically. "You ditching me for some girl so you can swap spit and touch her tits?!" I asked. I was angry and scared. I didn't want him to leave me but I had to make sure he knew he was wrong. His face molded over shock and anger before disappointment. He stood up towering me. Even whilst on bed. "I'm allowed to have a life Tara, and I can share it with other girls." He explained.

I tensed. "What..?" I asked. "You're acting like we're dating or something." His eyebrows creased. "I don't like you, I don't look at you that way. I never have and I never will." He shook his head. With every word my heart broke. "You keep moping around all sad like, you're being clingy and needy. You want to hang out all the time and touch me. You ask me for affection and to talk to you at school more," he explained. "I'm tired of dealing with it. I'm tired of dealing with you." He looked up and made eye contact with me at the end.

My body trembled. My breathing picked up and the tears streamed endlessly. "I don't know if we should keep talking anymore. I don't like being controlled. And I don't like you liking me. It's weird. You make things weird." He continued.

"I just, I felt like I should be honest with you. You keep looking at me like some lost puppy and longingly. It's weird, Tara. People are starting to talk." He rubbed his arm. "Chels even thought something was going on, you're just ruining my chances of getting a girlfriend." He stated. A soft sob left my mouth. He tensed and grabbed his arm. "Sorry, but you're a real pain to be around. Bye.. see you tomorrow." He said softly as he left. I sobbed in my bed. My breathing getting choked in my throat.

It hurt. It hurt so so so bad. I gripped my chest. What the fuck? I was flabbergasted. Winded in the worst way. I was choking on my own tears. I didn't know what to do. What could I do? I couldn't even process what he was saying in all honesty. Half of it was like hurtful gibberish. I wanted today to go away. I hated living. And now I had to possibly live without him? I couldn't do it. I needed to calm down. I stumbled out of bed and began slicing my arms and thighs.

I had to go deeper. Deeper. Deeper. I had never pushed this hard before. I shook as I sobbed setting the blade down. I let my arms and thighs bleed on the carpet. Mom would be so damn mad at me. I blinked slower and slower. The world was getting darker and darker. It was draining but it felt good. To not have to worry about anything. Everything felt so quiet. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?!"

I looked up at my winded mother. Her hands trembling to cover my gushing wrists. Do what? I blinked slowly. "OH MY GOD." She sobbed. "NO NO NO." She yelled loudly. "YOU STAY AWAKE." She pointed as she began wrapping my arms with my sheets. She yanked her phone out of her pocket and I sobbed harder. "No mom no" I sobbed out trying to stop her.

"Please mom, PLEASE." I begged snatching her phone furiously. We began to tussle as she tried to yank the phone out of my hand. I kicked at her as I sobbed more hysterically. She pulled me into her chest as I sobbed into her arms tiredly. She called the police and ambulance. They sedated me and took me to the hospital. I had to get a bunch of stitches. Why couldn't she just let me go.

I curled up in my hospital bed and sobbed yanking my knees into myself. What do I do now..?

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Lukariah's pov

"LUKA." I heard my mom yell. I was still mulling over everything I had said to Tara. How torn and defeated she's looked as I left. I sighed as I slid out of my bed. She had just mad me so upset, after all of that I just didn't know what to do. Once she yelled everything I thought of to hurt her feelings I said. Some of it wasn't even true. Yeah, I ditched our hangout Friday to go hang out with Chelsea, but that's what I deemed more important at the time.

I'd talk to her later. She was my best friend at the end of the day. I stood at the edge of the stairs. "Yeah?" I asked my frantic looking mom. She was shaking and shuddering as my dad crowded her. "Tara she-" my mom sobbed. "What?-" I asked confused. I had just seen Tara a few hours ago. "She — she tried to kill herself." My dad said. I froze, my eyes widened and I began to tremble. "T-tried?," my voice cracked. "So she's still alive?" I asked. A sob leaving my mouth.

"Yeah, she's alive." My dad nodded. "Luckily her mom found her nearly immediately." My dad looked calm but his hands were trembling. Why would Tara do this? Was it my fault? I didn't know she felt this way, i didn't know her mental health was so bad. "We-well when can we see her?" I asked rushing downstairs. My mom sobbed harder into my dad's chest. "Janet decided to send Tara to an institution for special care." My dad stated. His voice cracking at the end.

I broke. Then and there I began to sob. My parents both hugged me and sobbed with me. My family loved Tara, I loved Tara. How could she do this? Why would she do that? "Was it all my fault?" I asked my parents. "What?! No. No. Tara loves you." My mom shook her head. I froze and cried harder. I was so damn mean to her. I should have never been that way with her.