𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐍𝐀𝐆𝐄 𝐃𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐁𝐀𝐆 ✷ rodrick heffley (✓)

01. the big bad breakup

❛ ━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━ ❜
chapter one: the big bad breakup

[a/n]: ahh i'm so excited!!! like i said, i know the era for diary of a wimpy kid fics have been over, these movies and books were my childhood so i need to do this xo
━━━

━━━ RECENTLY, RODRICK'S MOM HAS EMPLOYED a system called the Mom Bucks. All he needs to do is do -- or really, fake doing -- a few favors for Greg, like picking him up from school, giving him rides to places, giving him drum lessons, etc. The drum lessons are really just long, tiring sessions in which Greg (and occasionally Rowley) has to watch Rodrick play the drums, but, hey, what his mom doesn't know won't hurt her, right?

The tires screech ear-piercingly as the van comes to a halt in front of the Heffley residence. "Alright, we're home, twerps."

He absentmindedly opens the car door, and Greg and Rowley tumble out. "Hey, Heffley, is that Haley Buxbaum?" his friend, Ben, asks slowly, tapping his shoulder and gesturing to a large moving van in front of the house next door.

"Buxbaum? Where?"

"There, idiot!"

The Buxbaum family buzzes around the tall white colonial style home, lugging heavy duty boxes labeled with things like 'HALEY'S BEDROOM' and 'KITCHEN.' Haley says something to Alex, lifting a particularly large box from her arms and waving her into the house.

"No way," Rodrick breathes. "This is not happening."

"It is," Ben persists, hovering just behind him and watching the terrible scene unfold. "Princess Haley's your next door neighbor, Heffley. Stay safe out there, man."

"I mean, I knew we were getting new neighbors. My mom said something about talking to them," Rodrick says. "But I never--"

"Denise, Patrick, hi!" Rodrick's mom comes rushing out of the house, practically skipping to greet the Buxbaum family. "Is this Alex and Haley? You have such darling daughters."

Darling. Rodrick doesn't now about Alex, but he knows for a fact that Haley Buxbaum is not darling. She's a stuck-up know-it-all who doesn't actually know it all, despite what the rest of the school says.

Haley takes her sunglasses off and brushes a hand through her curls, then puts her hands on her hips. "Heffley. It's good to see you," she says sarcastically. "I guess we're neighbors."

"I guess we are," Rodrick spits, as if the mere thought is unsavory. "Why'd you move here, anyway?"

"My parents wanted a change of scenery," she explains, giving him a lazy 'I don't know' shrug. "I don't know if I, personally, am a fan of the view, but, hey, maybe it'll grow on me." She looks at Greg and Rowley's faces, just now noticing them. "This must be mini-Heffley."

"No!" Greg cries, then straightens himself out. "I mean, yes, I am a mini-Heffley, but not a mini-Rodrick. Never a mini-Rodrick." He laughs nervously in her presence, his face turning as red as an heirloom tomato.

"Glad to hear it," Haley grins. "Well, I've got to get going. More boxes to move. Later, boys." She puts her sunglasses back on and pushes them up the bridge of her nose. She turns back around and calls, "And don't forget to donate to the food drive! Deadline's Saturday!"

Rodrick gives her a nasty look.

"Sorry, presidential duties!" she apologizes cheerily. "Not that you'd know."