Beholder

Chapter 47

Beholder.
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Chapter 47.
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Jason POV.
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Have you ever been in that space where you felt like time was moving too fast and no matter how much you tried to cling into it, it just kept on moving leaving you with no other choice but to accept your fate. Yes that was me. I had run out of all options. I knew soon I would have to say my goodbyes and everytime I thought about it I could feel this churning feeling in my stomach. I wasn't ready to leave my family behind. I wasn't ready to leave Kwah behind. I wanted more time. I needed more time.

"I am so sorry Jason." That was my doctor,I saw the pain in his eyes as he delivered to me how my cancer was now spreading even in my body. I felt my tears build up in me but they never dared came out. I was left numb as I recalled how I had made false promises to Kwah. I said I was going to fight for us, for our family, for her but how was I going to win this fight since the cancer was clearly fighting back harder.

"We can still try with the chemo to keep it under control but I would suggest you go back to surgery quick." He said sadly even taking off his glasses. He was attempting to wipe away the traitor tears that he was trying to hide from me. The pain in his eyes already told me the verdict of this fight between me and this cancer monster.

"It's okay." I held his hand so he would stop trying to hide his pain from me. I have never hidden mine from him so I couldn't expect him to hide his from me. "You can book me in for that surgery." I spoke softly, this time I gave him a small smile and that's when he returned it. It was a smile that was filled with so much pain. I momentarily thanked God that I came to him by myself cause if my parents were here they would be wailing now and I don't even want to think about Kwah.

"Nokwanda is pregnant." I decided to share some good news instead of all this sorrow filled news we were talking about. "Wait, what happened to Emma?"

"It didn't work out so I went back to Kwah."

"Let me guess, the make up sex got her pregnant?" He laughed bitterly. The atmosphere was filled with so much sadness especially from his side. Me I was just letting everything he has shared with me to sink in.

"I couldn't keep my hands off her and boom she fell pregnant again." I laughed at that which he joined as well but our laughter was quickly consumed by silence. My mind had drifted off to Nokwanda, This was never the life I would have wanted for her. Making her a single mom. Leaving her alone. I wanted to grow old with her. I wanted to wake up to her wrinkly face of hers years from now. I wanted us to watch our kids grow together and than travel the world together.

"Does she know?" He asked snapping me out of my depressing thoughts. "She knows I might die any time but she doesn't know it might be way sooner than we both anticipated." I could feel my tears rush to my eyelids, my chest tightened as I thought of my reality.

I quickly stood up when I felt like my emotions were getting the better out of me. I am stronger than this. I refused to cry and make everybody around me lose hope.

"Jason." Dr Coetzee stood up as well. "I have to go but I am hoping to hear from you soon." I gave him a small smile which he nodded to. I shook his hand before I went on my way.

I dreaded going back home so I ended up at the beach sitting by the sand as I watched the waves hit the shoreline time and time again. For a moment there I found myself reflecting on my life. Had I done enough for the people in it?
Had I appreciated the people in it enough?
Was I a good son to my parents? A good brother to my siblings? A good uncle to my nieces? A good friend to my friends? Was I ever a good man for Kwah cause I sure as hell knew I wasn't a good man for Emma.

How would I be remembered? Was I a good person overall? Or was I a total douchebag?

"Jason?" I was snapped out of my thoughts by a familiar female voice and when I looked up it was Emma. She made her way towards me now carrying her sandals in her hands.