Beholder

Chapter 5

Depression after depression is what I've been going through for the last 2 months,my friends have even decided to drag me to a shrink. I felt like my life had lost its meaning especially cause of the torture I had subjected myself to the day I agreed to be Vusi' matron of honor. The constant times I'll see him happy with that bitch was making me doubt if my existence was even needed. There was no spark in my life,I just felt empty and I was in a dark place but I had no one but myself to blame. I placed myself out there for a man who didn't care about me.

"Nokwanda Nxumalo." Somebody announced my name and that when Thami nudged me and dryI raised my eyes to this white woman who seems to be in her late thirties or early forties.

"She's calling for you." Thami nudged me and I swallowed a lump before I got up and this woman was smiling at me but all I could see in her was somebody who is wasting my God damn time and I'm pretty sure also my damn money.

"Come on in." She said in a warm voice and I slowly got up from this comfy couch for waiting patients and walked over to her and allowed her to lead me to her office.

"Please take a seat." She smiled,my eyes were scanning her office which was a pretty cosy place.I placed my eyes on this couch in here,it was next to a window allowing me to see the beautiful view of the sea.
I don't even know why Thami suggested somebody at Umhlanga.

"I'm Claudia Botha." She smiled as she took a seat at this beautiful chair which left a little distance between it and the couch.

"Botha?" I questioned like I didn't hear.

"Yes don't worry I'm not related to P w Botha." She attempted to make a joke and I would have laughed if it was funny but in my head all I thought about was Jason who I haven't heard from for the last 2 months.

"Uhm yeah,tell me about yourself." She smiled embarrassed by her failed joke.

"I'm Khayelihle Nxumalo,I'm 24 years,I'm a senior clerk at the EThekwini municipality." I felt like I was in Grade R introducing myself infront of all them snotty kids.

"Okay tell me about your likes and dislikes." She said attentively like whatever I'm about to say is gon be very interesting.

"Well I'm more of reserved person,I don't really get along with strangers well and I prefer dealing with my problems on my own and I hate being judged." I know that sounded like I was telling her how to do her job but nope I wasn't.

"Okay,tell me why are you here?" She asked and that when I tried to find the one good reason to why I'm even in here.

"Honestly speaking I don't know. My friends though they think I'm depressed because my boyfriend of 6 years decided to marry his side chick now I'm not hurt by that,disappointed that he wasted 6 years of my life yeah but hurt that he left me. NO." I laughed the last part,I needed to convince her I was fine, it doesn't matter that I'm lying.

"Even though the fact that he chose a side dish over me did break my heart a little." I made a tiny space between my index finger and my thumb.

"But that's not why my friends think I'm depressed,they say I'm depressed cause he asked me to be a maid of honor in his wedding,I know its probably because of that bitch he chose over me,she wants to rub it in my face that she won." Just thinking about the audacity of Vusi awakened feelings of sadness,hurt,anger in me.

"Are you depressed?" Ms Claudia here asked like I ain't told her that I'm not depressed,my friends are the reason I'm here.

"No,I'm not depressed,I'm just hurt that he asked me to be the maid of honor in his wedding." I bit my bottom lip when I thought of my stupidity.
"I should have said no but my dumb ass said yes like can you believe me?" This time I stood up and looked out the window and my eyes stayed on the waves of the sea and how beautiful the sea was actually if you looked at from a distance,up close it wasn't all that. I spaced out for a moment as I counted the waves hitting the shore.
Maybe my soulmate is stuck somewhere in the States or Australia,Maybe it this sea that's keeping me from finding real love.