Never Be The Same - A Charlie and Nick Story

Chapter 19 - I Deserve to be Happy, Right?

❗️Trigger: Anxiety, self-hatred, self-harm, mention of blood

Charlie's POV

Finally after Tao picked out his costume, we walk to the parking lot to regroup. Can I also share, everyone finished finding their costume about 30 minutes before him.

"Do you guys have any plans for the rest of the day?" Michael asks us. Everyone looks at each other. "I have to go back to the apartment, I need to practice since Charlie and I are getting the band together tomorrow afternoon." Sahar says and nudges her shoulder against mine. I awkwardly smile. "I didn't know you joined a band, Charlie." Tori notes, a small smile on her lips. My one hand moves to the crook of my elbow as I pull the fabric of my long sleeve sweater. "Yeah." I say and nod my head. Immediately, I feel my hand being pulled from my elbow. I look over as Nick takes his hand in mine, relaxing it at our sides. I look over at him and see him give a small smile before looking back at the group.

"I have some assignments I have to catch up on." Tara says and adds, "So does Darcy." Darcy wraps her arm around Tara's shoulders. "Boo." Darcy says and pouts her lips, which Tara kisses quickly. "I have to go to the studio and develop some things for my photography class." Tao says and immediately Elle jumps. "I have to go to campus, I want to draw for a little. I can drive you if you want?" They look at each other, engaging in their own little world for a moment. "Well I can drop the girls off and pick you up at your apartment?" She says a few moments later to which he nods.

"Boys, sounds like I am taking you home." Nick says, squeezing my hand. "Thanks!" Issac says and starts to walk towards Nick's car. We wave at the girls and Tori and Michael we are about to follow Issac to the car when Tori steps forward. "Charlie, can I talk to you for a second?" My heart skips a beat, my anxiety raising. "Yeah, sure." I try and say calmly. I look at Nick who is giving me his usual loving smile. "I'll be at the car." He whispers before letting go of my hand.

Tori nods her head at Michael who walks to his car. I look at Tori who now wraps her arms around her biceps, shifting her weight from side to side. She does this when she is nervous. "Charlie, I haven't heard from you since Parents Weekend. You haven't been answering my texts." She pauses, I think hoping I would answer but I don't. So she continues. "I know that weekend sucked but please don't push me away. I didn't know you joined a band. I didn't know about you dating Nick. I just-" I cut her off nervously. "I didn't say-" But now she cuts me off. "You don't have to. I can just tell." She smiles softly before tightening her grip on her arms.

"I just don't want to be pushed away... Like when you were bullied at Truham." I lower my gaze to the ground, my hand moving to my arm. A feeling of a flash back raising in my mind. I try to push it away. "I am not trying to." I whisper. "Charlie, you know you can talk to me..." She pauses and I can feel that she is looking at me grabbing at the sweater. "About anything at any time." She adds. I look up at her and try to give her my most convincing smiling. "I'm sorry." I speak softly. She comes over to me and pulls me into an incredibly tight hug. Something, she hasn't done since we were living at home together. "I'm sure it was hard without me at home last year and I just need you to know that I am here now and I am not going anywhere." She whispers, her chin resting on my shoulder. I wrap my arms softly around her mid back.

We stand there for a moment before she pulls away first. "Thanks Tori." I whisper before taking a step back. She places her hand on my shoulder, giving me a sympathetic smile. I nod my head before turning around to walk to Nick's car. When I get closer to the car, I see Nick having his arms crossed against his chest. He is tracing nervously on bicep over his jumper. We make eye contact for a moment, causing him to let go of his arms.

When I get into the front seat of his car, I immediately take his hand in mine. I don't look at him though, I just look out the window. He rubs his thumb over my knuckles before he shifts the car into reverse. The drive to my apartment was quiet. I forgot to put music on while Nick drove, I was too busy in my own thoughts.

Nice job Charlie. Look at you doing what you always do. You push people away. Being selfish as always. You did this just like when those boys bullied you at Truham. You only came out of your room to go to school and sit down at dinner time. Maybe they were right...

Maybe I would be better off alone. If I was alone, no one would have to worry about me... just like you keep making them do. First Tori a few years ago, then Nick, and now Tori again. Why can't you just be normal and not cause any more problems.

"Char."

I am pulled from my thoughts as Nick grabs my wrists kind of tightly. I try to pull my arms away but I see my sleeve soaking with blood... Great.

My eyes widen at first and I am too ashamed to look up at him. He lifts my chin with his one finger but I try to look away, tears escaping and sliding down my cheeks. "Charlie, please look at me." I slowly look at him, his hands going back to holding mine. "Let's go clean this up and we can talk about it okay?" He asks. I just look at him for a moment before he takes his one hand and uses his thumb to brush my cheek softly. I start to shake my head. "Nick, I-I don't want to talk about this." I take a deep breath and lean my head against his hand. "I c-can't." I whisper. He uses his hand to tilt my head up to look at him. "Okay, let's just go upstairs."

I don't say anything but he quickly gets out of the car and comes to my side, helping me out of the car. He wraps his arm around my shoulders. I feel a few drops of blood drip down my fingers. We make our way up the stairs and quietly into my apartment and quickly into my bathroom. Nick lifts me up with one arm and places me on my granite counter top. He grabs the kit from under the sink. "Can I change your bandages?" He whispers. I don't say anything. "Charlie, please." He begs. I shoot my eyes up from the ground and to look at him. He's trying to hold back his tears.

Doing it again, nice Charlie.

"I didn't mean to, Nick." I whisper. "Hey, I know. I know. Baby." He says softly. His eyes widening in realization. "Uh. Sorry. I didn't realize-" I cut him off. "It's okay. It's good. I like it, that's why I didn't say anything." I say, trying to smile softly. He looks from my eyes to my arms again. "Can I please?" He asks and this time I nod my head.

He cleans them carefully, I wince a few times as he places the gauze and tapes it down. "I'm sorry." He whispers before looking back up at me. "It's fine." Is all I say. He pulls me closely, his hands pressing into my shoulder blades as he slowly rubs my back. I wrap my arms tightly around his shoulders, my legs wrap softly around his waist. I press my face cheek into the crook of his neck as we live in this moment.

I'm the one to pull away first. "I need to practice for tomorrow." I whisper, my hands my hands moving to his biceps. "Can I stay and listen?" He asks. "What? Why?" I ask. He moves his hand to my cheek, his thumb brushing against my bottom lip. I feel a rush pass through my body with his touch. "I just want to spend time with my boyfriend, is that a crime?" He says, chuckling. This makes me smile. "I practice with headphones on and you can't hear the actual drum noises. Just banging on plastic. It is going to be boring." I say, my hands moving to hold is face. I brush my thumbs over his cheeks, his eyes closing with my touch. "I am okay with that." He whispers.

I hop off the counter and take his hand in mine as I lead him into my bedroom. He goes and lays in my bed, pulling the comforter over himself. I kiss his forehead before walking to the corner and sit at my drum set. I put my headphones on and pick up my drumsticks. I hit the drums a few times, my cuts aching with the quick motions. I try to hold back my small groans, sucking in my lips and closing my eyes. I take a breath before I go back at it, trying to ignore the feeling running up my arms.

Maybe an hour or so passes and I take my headphones off, I turn around and see Nick peacefully napping. I smile brightly. He looks so adorable. So calm. I crawl into the bed next to him, wrapping my arms around him to be the big spoon. Immediately, he wraps his arms in mine. The pressure hurts my cuts but I just ignore it. I just want to spend time with my boyfriend. I want to be in this moment with him and try not to think of my other problems.

I deserve to be happy... right?