dear diary, is this trauma?

13

I was bullied as a child.

But with my autism I was less aware of it. It affected me differently.

I would stay off school sick but just half an hour after school would start and my absence had been called in, then I was feeling better, happy and relaxed.

I was bullied by many. Mainly one girl. Her name was Rose. Perfect fit as she was a thorny bitch.

In nursery I was bullied for being so short. I needed a step stool to use some play things like a water trough.

In primary school I was bullied and picked on for my height again, though I wasn't the shortest. For being weird, though I thought I was perfectly normal as I was just like the others I was surrounded by at home. For being a very teary child. For being dyslexic. For not being able to balance and falling easily. For my voice as I wanted to be a singer. For wearing a hat and having wrapped my scarf over my mouth and nose when I was going home for lunch on a cold winter day, I was told I looked like a terrorist, I was 10 years old.

Nothing was ever physical, probably because I had told my class that I had fallen back and had my head split open twice. I may have been bullied but they were scared to physically hurt me. If they did, I laughed. It didn't hurt, not as much as it should have. I was used to the pain. I would walk up to my teacher bleeding and just ask for a tissue.

Physically they couldn't hurt me. But everything emotionally hurt.

I went to swimming class after school with Rose. Her mother would pick us up from school and take us to the pool for class and then drop me off at home. This was a regular occurrence.  That was until Rose told me that they wouldn't be dropping me off home that day as they were going to do something else. So I got dry and changed as quickly as I could. Packed up all my things and walked out. Out of the changing rooms, down passed reception as a single child holding back tears, walking quickly towards my home. Along the main road until I crossed at the traffic lights and went the shortcut through the retail park. I was just another five minutes maximum from being home when my mum's car sped out into sight. At seeing me she flung open the door and yelled at me, thinking I was lost or kidnapped. I told her what happened once I had gotten in the car, tears spilling as I cried. She took me home. I wasn't grounded or anything. But she told the mother of Rose what had happened and I was left to calm down on my own.

She said the way I came was wise as I kept off of the main road, but that is why the mother never seen me walking home when she frantically told my mother I was missing.

After that, I stopped going to the same lessons and moved swimming class to a different teacher.