dear diary, is this trauma?

15

I don't remember how long I've felt like I should leave all that is around me. Atleast from 2014, maybe when I started highschool in 2013.

I wanted to curl up and disappear as long as I remember. But I know it became more prominent coming up to my teen years.

I was depressed but I hid it well. Learnt I had to smile through all, my stage smile I had had for many years as a child dancer. The smile I now just use for my volunteering.

I hurt myself, and others, because I thought it would make me feel something different. Anything.

I didn't start self harming yet, but I would take cardboard boxes and stab, slice and tear at them with pins, needle and any other sharp object I could find. I cut the names of my 'friends' into these boxes when they would bully me. Sliced everything as thin as I could.

All I could feel was sadness. Now it's just Ennui.