stars & moons - jean kirstein

part 4

Lunar

The moon reflects my mothers rings as my fingers caress a cigarette between them; my favourite one being the gold band with tiny silver stones spread across it. The cool breeze hits my cheeks causing my nose to turn a shade of red. Reiner and I look up at the stars in a peaceful silence, admiring the twinkle shining down on our figures.  My thoughts dance around the topic I've been wanting to bring up with him since he got back, but haven't had the perfect opportunity to ask. I suck in a deep puff of the stick in my hands. 

"So.. what were they actually like?" I ask him, leaning over the balcony dusting out the remnants out of my fingers.

Out of my peripheral vision, I see him look down at me, "What do you mean?"

"The people of Paradis. I need you to be honest with me, Reiner, I need to know the truth." He's quiet for a moment.

"I know what you want me to say." His demeanour completely different, facing forward. I turn in his direction, putting out my cigarette.

"Then say it, you know you can tell me anything." I rest my hand over his, which he quickly flinches away from.

"I don't want to discuss it with you."

My eyebrows knit together in confusion, "Are you okay?", suddenly a sickly feeling appearing in my stomach, not from the stench of cigarette around us. 

"No, I'm not, lunar. I'm not like you, okay? I can't afford to go against the brass."

"I'm not asking you to-"

"Enough! I said I don't want to talk about them anymore, leave it alone." He says, turning on his heels and walking away, leaving me speechless.

Reiner

Of course, I couldn't tell her exactly how I felt about them, not when things are the way that they are. When I've been told my whole life that we were betrayed by them. Not when I have to admit to myself that they aren't devils, exactly as lunar always said. She was right. How can I admit it when my whole life revolves around Marley and my loyalty to them. I made that vow that I would keep it to myself.

But I hurt her, the look on her face when I raised my voice. My forearm finds the wall in frustration, and I make my way back out to the balcony, but she's not there anymore.

Her light is on when I knock on the door to her room. She answers dressed in her black pajamas, her shirt fitted and her pants loose. Her figure leans against the door.

"Hey." She whispers

"Hey," I whisper too

"Do you want to come in?"

"Can I come in?" we usher at the same time, causing us both to laugh. She opens the door for me, and I enter.

"I'm really sorry." She says first, sitting down at her desk, and I take the chair at the other table.

"No, I'm the one who's sorry," I say, looking down at my hands, "I shouldn't have talked to you like that. it's just, things have been fucking horrible for me since I got back, my head has been a mess and I haven't known what to believe, or how to feel."

She nods sympathetically, "I didn't know how bad it was, I'm sorry Reiner. I should've been asking about you rather than an island I have no idea about," she rests on her elbows on her knees, "you know how much courage it took to go there in the first place? You are the bravest person I know, and I am so proud of you and how far you've come, truly. You should be too."

I look up at her through watery eyes.

"And I'm here to listen through everything you're going through always, it all stays between us, I assure you. You mean more to me... than any of this, okay?"

I can't take it anymore, so I stand up and guide her to join me, wrapping my arms tightly around her. She hugs me back with such warmth, rubbing my back in a soothing motion. 

*