Adam's Apple Pie

Twenty-One - A Release From Pain

Even though the place I parked my Cubo was less than a minute away from my flat, each step out of my car felt heavy, as if someone had attached weights to my legs. My knees wobbled each time I planted them on the ground, to the point where I thought I was going to trip and fall. It was the longest walk from my car to the house I'd ever taken.

What was the point in that session? How did Dr Eve think that was going to help me in the slightest? What was the point in anything anymore? How was I supposed to go on knowing that there was no purpose to my life? What was even the point in me breathing?

Everything had crumbled around me, and seemed to fall apart even faster with each tired breath I took. Tired. Yes, Dr Eve was right about that. I was tired. Tired of it all. So very tired – of just living.

Would it really be so bad if I just stopped breathing? Would anyone really mourn me if I disappeared? Would the world stop turning if I were to just vanish off the face of the Earth? Of course I knew the answers to these questions – even a blind girl could see that I was just taking up the airspace of someone that deserved it more. Everything I did was just pointless. Pointless. I couldn't even cry anymore, my tears had all dried up; and even if I could produce more, no one would hear me. If I screamed until my throat was hoarse, no one would listen. I bet if I was just lying on the pavement, dying of blood loss, no one would even bat an eyelid. I was forgotten about. Disenfranchised. Left behind. My time was over before even I realised I had time. Even the shit on a shoe was more memorable than me.

I didn't even realise I was at my front door before I bumped my head into it. I reached into my pocked for my key, before a sound echoed in my ear, which was so loud that they could have been standing next to me for all I knew.

"Oi-oi!"

I turned slowly, it was a group of drunken idiots – probably the same ones that kept me up at night. They laughed and made nondescript talk, barely able to hold onto the bottles in their hands. Their laughter echoed in my ear, even though they weren't aimed directly at me. I furtively gazed at them as they continued their banal conversation.

I lowered my head, realising that these idiots were probably happier than me, in spite of it all. They looked happy, as if they didn't have a care in the world, like they had no future, but were completely ok with that. It must have been great to have that way of thinking, not caring about what was going to happen in lift in the hope that you could just breeze through it willy-nilly.

And yet to look at them, they would probably stab you just to afford the next drink.

Stab you.

I looked back again. There were four of them. One of me. A fight that most would avoid.

Dr Eve had asked me what I was going to do about it. And if she wanted me to do something, then why should I disappoint her.

Breathing in through my nose, I stiffened my posture and marched towards them like a soldier marching to death. I moved to the closest one, in a blue hoodie and smoking what I thought was a cigarette – and yet the closer I got the more pungent it became. I stood beside him, waiting for him to notice me. His mouth was wide so that I could see the braces shining in his mouth. As he turned to me, his spotty face dropped to a look of utter disgust.

"What the fuck are you looking at?"

By the tone of his voice, he couldn't have been older than fifteen or so. Definitely still a teenager. His friends probably were as well. They all dressed so similarly to him that they could have been clones of each other for all I knew, save for the black kid resting up against some stairs. I didn't bother meeting their gazes, they would probably jump me soon enough.