Dahlia Mountain

Ghosts

I stayed on the guesthouse sofa at night from then on out. Again, I'll be forever grateful to Steve for giving up his bed and sleeping on the main house sofa for nearly that first full month until Nathan was getting around well enough that no one needed to worry about him overnight. Mary drove back in towards the end of that first month when it had become very clear to Beth and Steve that I was not doing well. She spent the entire day with Nathan in the main house. Before she left for the evening she and I took a walk around the property. I was so grateful for her calm and loving demeanor. We walked arm in arm and I told her how hard it had been. "Mary I think I'm dying, just not fast enough." I had said. "If he never remembers us how will I live?" She held me when I cried and she cried with me. As I walked her to her car she said "Child, you can't lose hope. Call me when you need some strength. Call me every evening how about. Let's just check in okay?" I agreed and we hugged for a long time before I finally let her go. I stood and watched her car head down the drive. I turned towards the guest house then but my eye caught the shadow of the big man in the upstairs window watching us. He turned quickly away as I looked in his direction.

The next day I was taking Nathan breakfast and helping him get ready to head out to physical therapy when he said "So, you know Mary talked to me for a long time yesterday. She threw the word soulmates around a lot, maybe more than I was comfortable with. She said I was the happiest she's seen me my whole life the last year and a half. She said I was a completely different person, and that much I believe. I don't know what to tell you but maybe we need to have some real discussions together? He asked. And I nodded my agreement. "This evening?" He asked, and I nodded a second time around a lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow.

That evening we settled onto the couch and made uncomfortable small talk about his progress in physical therapy and we talked about the dinner that he had out with Beth and Steve before we ran out of things to talk about and the conversation ground to an awkward halt. That was something I missed more than anything about my Nathan, my Mountain. From the moment I crashed into him in that shitty little bar there had never been a single second that didn't feel natural and right. Nathan carried himself with an otherworldly confidence that spread easily to those around him. This not my Nathan clearly hadn't developed that magical life skill yet. I finally just said "What's on your mind Nathan?" He gathered his words for awhile before stumbling through a speech that culminated in "Maybe even if I don't remember you we just need time. We just need to work on being real friends and then we can see what happens, right?" I forced myself to smile 'do not cry' my brain reminded. I nodded and said "yeah Nathan, that's a great idea." He looked at me a long moment "your face doesn't say great idea, Jo" he replied. "I mean how long were we friends before we fell in love?" He asked. "Oh Nathan," I replied "what you and I had was the only thing like it in existence. It shouldn't have existed. It wasn't once in a lifetime. It was once in an eternity. It can't happen twice. There was no good explanation for how it happened once." I paused. "What does that even mean?" He asked. I drew in a deep breath and replied, "You moved me in twelve hours after we met, said you loved me at twenty three and a half hours, we got the tattoos at seven days. We were the literal definition of madly in love. It was madness. It did not wait or grow slowly as it was carefully tended as love often does. It sprang fully formed into existence through the magic of things unexplainable." I paused before continuing. I'd love to be your friend and stay open to anything with you but we are not going to be able to replicate what we had. I... I think maybe focusing on getting you to more specialists, finding the rest of you in there might be a good place to pour our focus." Nathan huffed "I hate that you talk about me like I'm not a whole person. I am perfectly fine with not remembering you. It doesn't upset me at all. It's you who's not fine! I'm the one learning to walk again, and missing half my memories, and I also have to be the one worried that everything I say or don't say, or do or don't do is going to upset you! He raised his voice though wasn't quite yelling. I choked out "oh Nathan, I'm so sorry!" My brain was screaming its usual 'don't cry' but the tears were already falling. I was sobbing then and trying hard to reign it in. I rubbed tears from my eyes to find Nathan looking at me with confusion and something else? He pulled himself back from me and glanced away. I buried my face in my hands and when I was able to clear my tears enough to look up at him again he was watching me intently his expression inscrutable. I repeated myself "I'm sorry, Nathan. I haven't been fair to you. I'm going to be a better friend, okay. I promise." To Nathan's credit he accepted my apology gracefully, starting to reply "of course, I'm sorry too" but then his words fell apart and I couldn't tell if it was emotion he choked on or what but he just sat there watching me cry. He reached out and wiped a tear from my face. In the next instant he was leaning over me, his face too near my own, eyes intently searching my tear soaked face for something. His massive hands holding my face and wiping tears away. The unexpected tenderness started me crying all over again. As my crying increased Nathan became more intense, he slid me closer to him and wrapped his arms around me pulling me into his chest. The muscles in his arms tight as he held me. I heard his sharp intake of breath as I buried my face in his chest, the physical touch increasing my sobs. His whole body was bowstring tense as I sobbed into him and I could feel his breathing rhythm change as its tempo increased. I thought maybe he was crying too but when I finally pulled back there were no tears in his eyes. I recognized something in them though. It wasn't my Nathan there but it was something familiar. He wiped my tears away again and swallowed uncomfortably. Then he excused himself rather quickly  and made his way upstairs.