Dahlia Mountain

Leaving

I had heard Nathan's truck leave in early evening so I decided to get out and stretch my legs for the first time in weeks. I walked the property slowly, miserably. But I had been doing everything miserably these days and I was sort of getting used to it. I would have to as it was going to be my life from here on out. I walked back into the guesthouse to what sounded like a heated argument that screeched awkwardly to a halt the second I stepped in. "What's up you two?" I called into the living area. Beth whisper yelled at Steve "tell her, now!" I rounded the corner and said "okay, what's up Steve?" He was aggressively avoiding eye contact. "Nathan texted asking us to make sure to keep you occupied and away from the main house tonight. He's bringing 'company' home." I chirped out an "oh, okay. Yeah, got it." And turned to head toward the kitchen. I made it about six steps and forgot where I was going and what we were just talking about. "I'm sorry what were we just talking about?" I chuckled turning back to Steve and Beth. I made eye contact with Beth and saw the horror in her eyes just before my world crashed down around me. I swooned and Steve jumped forward to catch me as I fell. Then Beth and Steve were hovering over me and appeared to be talking. I could see their mouths moving but all I could hear was a high pitched ringing before the blackness claimed me.

I spent the afternoon sobbing and vomiting over the toilet while Beth held my hair and gently scratched my back. I managed to convey to Steve through my sobs that I needed boxes and I needed them right now so he had driven into town to get them. I had stayed too long hoping against all hope and now I was paying the price for that hope. Beth and Steve were packing my things for me and I was curled up in the bathroom floor staring at the wall heater as night fell. I heard the truck pull up the drive and I started to shake. Beth heard the truck too and burst into the bathroom scooping me to her in a hug. We heard a truck door close and then another followed by the laughter of two people.

Then I was shoving Beth away from me and was on my feet tearing my way through the front door and flying across the driveway to skid to a halt on the gravel in front of Nathan and his guest. I was saying "Nope. Nope. No. I'm sorry, but no. Hi, hello" and here I awkwardly stuck my hand out to introduce myself to the girl. She took my hand and turned a confused look to Nathan. I kept right on speaking a mile a minute stumbling over my words." Yeah, so okay um. Tonight's just not gonna work out. I'm um Nathan's ex and I still live here but I'm going. I'm going right away. But you're not going to do this here tonight. Again I'm really sorry about all this." I motioned Beth and Steve over from the porch where they were overseeing my insanity. "Anyhow these two kind folks are going to give you a lift back home. And again sorry about the confusion." And then Beth was guiding the very confused looking  girl over to her car.

I spun on Nathan and kept right on talking though the insane sweetness in my voice was starting to fall away in favor of anger, my voice slowly rising the longer I spoke, "my dude! This is the kind of thing that it would be appropriate to give a heads up for or better yet have a long or even better yet multiple very long discussions about before hand. Also Nathan, that is a child!" I pointed to the car heading down the drive. "Is Barbie even in her twenties yet!?" Nathan stepped forward towering over me before barking back "yes she is!" I went right back to yelling "regardless you're still nearly double her age!" Nathan yelled over me this time "Well she still has more life experience than I have any memory of! I have no peers! I don't fit in anywhere! It's not just that I don't know you! Steve was my best friend and we have literally nothing to talk about now. Twenty years is an entire adult human. I'm out of synch with everyone in my life! I know you're lonely and if I could make myself love you the way you claim that I did then I would. But I'm lonely too. In fact I'm completely alone!" I locked eyes with this angry hurting giant in front of me and huffed out a breath I'd been holding. I said "listen Nathan, that is super bleak and I know at some point I'll find enough room in my own grief to feel sorry for you too. But right now I just need to keep you in the box I have for you in my head as the guy who gave me the whole world and then ripped it all away from me, okay? Most of my things were in the guest house and they're packed up now. In the morning I'll pack up the few things I still have in the main house. Then can Steve borrow the truck to take me to the car rental place?" "Of course" was all Nathan said before he just walked into the house leaving me standing in the drive.

I stumbled up onto the porch behind him and curled up in the big swing. I sobbed through the memory of the hundreds of mornings and evenings Nathan and I spent curled around each other in this swing. Aside from our big beautiful bed and our waterfall this swing was my favorite place on the planet. An hour later my sobs had been replaced by shivers as the night turned chilly. Beth joined me on the porch once they returned, "sleeping here sweetie?" She asked. And I nodded. She left and came back with big down quilts and a little space heater that she plugged in and set on the side table aiming it in my direction. She left me then to my swing and my memories and all of my sorrow. It was the middle of the night before the image of Nathan and Barbie locked in a kiss, his arms around her pulling her up into his body flitted into my mind. I mean obviously if they were to the point of 'sleep overs' they had been kissing. Oh god, what if they had already been having 'sleep overs' somewhere else!? I cried until I finally passed out sometime before dawn.

The sun rose and I opened my eyes to the shadow of Nathan falling over me. (The fact that of all the life skills he hadn't developed until his thirties waking up before the sunrise wasn't one of them continued to infuriate me.)  "Hey big guy, good morning." I said, desperately trying to sound casual, normal. He replied. "Listen I feel really bad that we argued last night especially since it was your last night here. I feel bad about everything. I know I haven't behaved fairly. You have to know it's for the best that you go though, right? Hey, I made you an apology breakfast!" He said with an awkward smile before handing me the plate. "Thank you Nathan, I'll be inside in a bit." I said, dismissing him. I looked at the plate of soggy eggs and underdone toast and was fine with the fact that there was no way I could keep any food down. Nathan, had decidedly picked up his culinary expertise in the last 20 years.