The Sex(y)ist KTH FF

Chapter 9: "Something About A Door..."

I walk aimlessly until I reach that same park Taehyung and I were at earlier.

I see an unoccupied bench that I practically collapse on. And I'm embarrassed to admit that tears are still streaming down my face.

I kind of wish it was raining just so my tears would blend in with the water droplets.

I know that I'm most likely over reacting in some way.

I shouldn't be dejected because a man I barely know says he won't love me.

But I am. Because that stranger is not really a stranger. He's my husband.

I can't help but feel like I've just glimpsed at a future that's everything I didn't want.

Loveless.

Responsibility is ofcourse important in marriage...in any relationship really.

But just being a responsibility to your spouse is something entirely different. And I fear that's all Taehyung will see me as. Now and in the future.

I always knew things would be different with Taehyung since the start of our relationship wasn't normal per se.

I wasn't expecting grand affections or amazing love declarations from the get go.

I just thought affection and love would happen eventually.

I don't want the grand gesture kind even if those are nice. Simple, quiet love is more than enough for me. So long as I am loved.

But that seems like a wish that will remain unfulfilled.

And that knowledge is what has me crying alone, on a random bench, in a different country.

Paris is supposed to be the city of love and romance. And my husband just told me he'll never love me. On our honeymoon.

How ironic.
How unlucky.
How apt for my life.

Just when I think I might finally get what I want, that very thing become too distant, too out of reach for me to even dream about.

I think I would handle the situation better if one I didn't feel so alone.

Because that's what I am. Alone.

I have Somin but even she has her own life and her own complications to deal with.

My parents have yet to contact me since the wedding which only makes me wonder if they thought good riddance after I got married, and even though I know that's my mind overthinking and they would never think that...that they're probably feeling guilty and don't know what to say to me...it still doesn't stop me from pondering the matter.

I'm alone. I have no one that's just mine.

Frankly speaking, I don't even want to be mine. I don't like myself enough.

I'm too talkative. I think too much. And I use jokes to mask my fears and insecurities.

Which brings me to the other reason why I haven't handled the situation well.

It's that deep down, I think I might understand why Taehyung won't fall in love with me.

What's there to fall in love with anyways?

Like my sister always said, 'There's nothing special about you Soo Hyun. So don't expect a fairytale.'

She was wrong about tons of things but that's possibly the one thing she was right about.

Taehyung's words felt so direct that they pierced the part of my heart that's always vulnerable, that's always fearing rejection.

If he'd worded his beliefs differently, I too might have felt different. Less offended. Less hurt.