Abide

Here

Some days
The enemy wiggles in.
He feeds on my frustration
My ambitions
My dreams

He knows what makes me tick
Makes me overstimulated
Makes me filled with rage

He knows what breaks my heart
Makes me sob uncontrollably
What defeats me

And today
Today he hit them all

Today I don't feel close to You, Lord.
Today I don't feel Your peace
Or Your joy

Today I rage screamed into a pillow until my throat burned.

It still burns.

And despite the dark thoughts he's planted,
I know You are here.

You are with me,
As my husband angrily cleans up the toys in the living room,
As I rock my strong willed daughter to bed in the dark,
You are here.

You saw all the fights,
You saw my thoughts and the things I wished.
The things I said
The hurt I caused
Yet You are still here.

I know the Christian can have supernatural joy.
We can have supernatural peace.
But You know I feel neither.

Not right now.

You know and still—
You are here.

And as I let my body cool off,
As I let my mind slow down,
As I start to see the damage of the day unfold,
I know You are good to meet me in my mess.

You are good to give me a new mercy in the morning.
You already knew I would have this day,
And You died for me still.

Lord I am sorry for the way my heart is filled with rage and agony and grief all at the same time.
If anyone else saw me like this they wouldn't think I was marked by You.

But I'm glad I don't have to fit into anyone's box of what a Christian should look like.

Because as ugly as I am right now,
You've still claimed me as Yours.

Thank You for remaining here in spite of my wicked heart.
Thank you.
I know tomorrow You will deal graciously with me, for I have much to mend.

But right now,
It's enough to have You here.
In my frustration, in the dark, with the burning in my throat.
Joy comes in the morning—
You said so.