SKZ-TRAVEL || Finland

Chapter 1. The announcement

⚠️Mentions of depression & suicidal thoughts

Aamu's point of view
October 2023

It was a pretty normal October night. I had been at school and cried while listening to Silent Cry. When I came home, I cried some more. It was for a different reason, though. I was just too tired of everything. I lied in our couch and just questioned my own existence. Not really helpful, but at least I got my sister to feel bad for me and bring me ice cream from the store. 

I had been depressed for three years. It started during the Covid, and got progressively worse after that. I started to isolate myself from others, while telling them that I was fine. I was lying, of course. Locking yourself in a room for six hours straight is not "fine" behavior. 

Diagnose was dropped on my head in spring 2021. Then I also got antidepressants, and started my recovery journey. Fast forward two years, I felt like I was still in the same situation. Desperate for something, but I didn't know what it was. Nobody knew, not even my therapist. We had tried to figure out what was wrong with me, but apparently I was just too much. Too emotional, too mature to be worked with. She left me alone with my suicidal ideations. 

Well, into the business. The time was somewhere around 10pm, when I finally got to bed. I snuggled into the blanket and went on Instagram. It was time to scroll until I would fall asleep with the phone falling on my face. You know, like aesthetically. 

I had an important order for scrolling. First I had to check the stories, then latest posts and then reels. That way I could feel complete. 

When Stray Kids' story opened up, my eyebrows probably went flying to another universe. I couldn't believe my eyes. 

They had started a competition. And the reward was not just a fan call. It was something bigger. Something huge. They would come to the fan's country and LIVE IN THEIR HOUSE FOR TWO MONTHS. 

As expected, I had to read it three times to fully understand it. It was a lot, thinking about the fact that they were one of the most popular K-pop groups of all time. I couldn't even imagine how big of a risk that would be. What if they'd get murdered? Would JYP just shrug and move on?

To be honest, I thought about participating. I really did. I just happened to know a certain someone's reaction to the offer. My mom would never, ever let me do that. There was no chance that she would even consider thinking about it. 

Realizing that made me pretty sad. Although there would for sure be thousands of participants, I could be one of them. But no. I knew that. I had to stay put and try to heal my depression with yoga and little pills. Just go out with non-existent friends and enjoy my teenager years. That was a big, fat delusion. 

I didn't want to even start scrolling. I felt way too bad about the fact that I would never meet Stray Kids in person. I would live my pathetic, weird Finnish life until I'd die of Coronary artery disease. 

And with that, I fell asleep. 

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Next day

"No."

I had made the decision to mention about the whole Stray Kids -thing to my mom. As I had known, her answer was immediate and strict.

"First of all I can't understand why is that kind of music so popular. Nothing can beat Finnish folk songs. Second, are you really thinking that I would leave you here with who knows how many men? That is ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous."

"There are eight men, yes. But the thing is that they're really good guys. I have shown you some of their videos, right? You can't claim that they are unreliable just because they are men."

"Aamu, let me remind you: just two years ago you were jumping on the walls if you had to be around men. I had to force you to go to the male dentist. You really had a problem. Are you saying that it's all gone now?"

I sighed. Of course my mom had to hit me where I was weak. 

"I see where you're coming from, but this is not the same. I've been tolerating myself. You know, hanging out with the boys of my high school and-"

The look my mom shot to my direction was deadly. 

"You've been hanging out with boys? And why haven't I been informed about this?" 

"Well, it was just a school project we had to do together. I really got to know one of the boys. He was really nice guy, and then we went to get lunch together. Nothing more. That happened in August, anyway."

It was mom's turn to sigh now. 

"I know that I'm not the best mom out there. I've for sure made tons of mistakes raising you, but this mistake I won't make. Don't start dating before you're ready to get married. And more importantly, inform me and dad about those things. We want to keep you safe, and that's the only way to do that."

I gave her a silent nod. She was not going to get back to our previous subject.  It was a big no. 

"But hey. How have you been feeling...mentally?" mom asked carefully, like she was trying to make amends. 

"I mean...same as always. I take my meds. I've been seeing the school curator for a couple of times. She is okay."

It was really awkward to talk about mental health with my mom. She made me feel like I was fragile and going to break at any second if not handled with care. 

"Amazing. Just let us know if there's something we can do for you. You know me and dad love you very much, right?"

"Yeah. I love you too."

We ended the conversation to a little stiff hug. She caressed my hair while holding me, and I just patted her back. No words. Just silence filled with love, that seemed to be all on my mom's side.

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A/N

And that's the first chapter! I wrote this a while ago, when the idea was still quite fresh. Please let me know your opinions!  Nothing really happened here, but I promise that there will be a lot of action in the future chapters!

Remember to take care of yourself ❤️