SKZ-TRAVEL || Finland

Chapter 2. Everyday life

TW! Talking about suicide and depression!

Aamu's point of view 

November 2023

I didn't try again with my mom. I knew the answer, she had been clear enough. I tried to not be bitter about it, but Instagram really made it hard. Apparently every other Stay had participated in the competition. I had to sit aside and watch as they made their delusional imagines about winning. It was draining somehow.

"Well, how have you been doing?" my curator asked while leaning forward. 

"Not great. It's...it's just hard. Life, you know? I think the hardest part of it all is trying to get better while knowing that some people just don't recover. Thinking I'm one of them...it makes this whole recovery thing seem useless."

It was always a challenge to not lie. I was so ready to say that I was fine and that everything was going well. Really it wasn't, actually the opposite.

"Have you had suicidal thoughts?"

"I guess they come with it. I get tired, and then I just ask myself 'what am I even doing anymore?' It feels so pointless to live in this freaking swamp."

"I see. Do you think...do you want me to contact the social services?"

My face turned pale. I knew what that would mean. 

"No, I'll manage. This is just a phase. You don't need to say anything to them."

Social services in Finland were good. I was just scared about the notification. That would get me in a lot of trouble. They'd interview my family and try to find the reason of my brokenness. That was not for me. Me and my problems didn't need any more people to get into them. 

"Aamu, I know that you have had really rough 'phases' during these months. Are you sure you'll manage? It's not shameful to get help, it's the opposite."

"I know. Thank you, but I'll be fine. I thought I would try to get my self outside more often. Maybe that'll help."

"You can try, but promise me that you won't do anything...permanent."

"So you're asking me to not kill myself?"

"Well, yeah."

"Don't worry, my parents won't press charges even if you fail to save me. No, for real. I won't do anything, I promise."

My toxic trait in the curator's office was to throw dark jokes in the air. I always got a very disappointed look from across the room, but the jokes helped me to stay sane. Who wouldn't enjoy joking about jumping off a bridge?

When I left the office, I didn't feel too good. Talking about my problems only made them be more visible, and that was the last thing I wanted. 

The rest of the day was boring. Sitting in class, while mentally being far away. I took notes, but didn't internalize them. All the words were floating through my head without actually meaning anything. 

When our break started, I ran out of the classroom. I had to get to our chilling are before anyone else, so I'd get to sit on the bean bag. It was the perfect seat to just drown into. I slammed my headphones in my ears and started blasting S-Class with way too much volume. 

I didn't really have a bias. I mean, I liked all of them. Everyone had their own charming points. If I had to pick one, it might have been Bang Chan. His big virtual hugs made me feel really warm and appreciated. 

Sometimes I thought it was silly to like a band so much. They were regular people, after all. At the same time they were one of the things that kept me alive and breathing. It was really hard to explain, but somehow they had given me another reason to live. Besides the fact that I didn't want my parents to have to pay for my funeral. 

My days were filled with being at home. I woke up, then forced to get my butt to school, then got home and spent my evening locked into my room. Usually I watched something like "Stray kids being NOT STRAIGHT for 15 minutes." Not really educating, but entertaining for sure. 

There were better days, when I had the energy to clean our house or be with my so called friends. Those days were really weird, because I got anxious about the fact that I wasn't anxious. That made me feel stupid, because I was just getting myself anxious for no reason. That led to being even more anx- you get it. 

I looked around the room. A few of my classmates had come to chill on the couch, but other than them the room was empty. It was not surprising, because usually students went to store around this time. They'd buy triangle breads and Mars-bars to get themselves through the rest of the day. 

I had never been one of the cooler students. I wasn't petite or mysterious either, I was just a regular Finnish high school student. I had tasted cigarette, coughed my lungs out and said no to  it. Alcohol I had drunken on my confirmation camp when I was fifteen. It was during the Eucharist, so I didn't know if that count. 

"Aamu, you wanna come with us to grab lunch?" said a voice above me. It belonged to our prefect, Jenna. She always had her gang of kind teacher pets with her. 

"Not really, but thanks anyway", I smiled. 

"You're welcome, and feel free to hang out with us if you want to."

I nodded, internally pushing her away from me. Because of her I missed the best part of Red Lights, which made me angry. 

Luckily she returned to her girls. They happily waved at me, and then disappeared in the staircase. The peace was back again. Unfortunately I wasn't able to drown into the music as deeply as before. 

My phone vibrated as I got a notification about an Instagram dm. It was from my STAY friend, Alexa. She was from Greece, and we had met through a friend search back in May. 

Alexa: Did you take part in the competition? I'm still flabbrgasted about the whole thing

Alexa: *flabbergasted

Me: I didn't. My mom didn't really like the thought  of me being surrounded by men

Alexa: Thats' a shame! But hey, it's okay. This is not the end of the world

Me: I know, I'm just disappointed. You know, it's hard to see all the stays freaking out over the thong

Me: *thing

Alexa: We AlwAyS wEaR ThONgS

Me: This was meant to be a serious conversation ;D

Alexa: I had to lighten up the mood. Listen to Case 143 and you're be fine in a heartbeat. The Felix part....

Me: Here we go again. I'm gonna escape before your praise gets out of hands. I'll talk to you later!

Alexa: BIG HUG

Me: Big hug and kisses. Remember to go to sleep early enough! 

Alexa: YES DADD- oh i forgot you were female. 

Me: Shut up

Alexa was a meme lord. She was throwing inside jokes in the air every moment she could. Sometimes it got a little frustrating, because it was impossible to hold a deep conversation with her. On the other hand she was really energetic and got me rolling on the floor from laughter. And that's what friends are for, right?