I took out my last ten dollar note from my wallet, placing it in front of the old drunkards, who I were playing with today. I had lost all my bets to them, but in this last round if I would win, I would win the pot. I carefully observed their moves, finally turning in my cards. But a voice suddenly stopped us from deciding who won the pot.
The voice was very familiar and it sent chills down my spine. I dared to turn around and look at the person, who called my name and was looking for me in the crowd. A woman in her fifty-s had walked in. She had a blue dress with daisy flowers, torn at the neckline and hanging off one of her shoulders. The men at the table grumbled with annoyance, as I had stopped paying attention to the game. I turned around to look back at the result. The pot was mine for tonight. I pocketed the prize money and tried making my way out of the building.
I was right at the door when a cold hand gripped my arm. "River!" she said in her shrill voice. The alcohol in my system, was doing funny things to my head. My head was clouded with so many thoughts, that I was failing to make a choice. I snatched my arm away from her grip, moving out of the building. She called after me, "River, your mother needs your help." I halted at my place, allowing her to come up to me. I turned back to look down at her face. It had wrinkles, but her eyes, were the same sapphire blue as it was when I last saw her, but the glint was missing. Her face challenged my heart to do things, that my brain opposed. She opened her arms, trying to welcome me in. I gave in. I had craved for this warmth for so many fucking years. I was two inches taller than her, for which I had to bent a bit to bury my face into the crook of her neck.
"I missed you," I mumbled, raising my head a bit, to wipe the newly formed track of the water droplets that had rolled down my cheek. "I thought you were dead?" I asked hugging her again. But suddenly a rush of emotions made me push her away; as if she was a source of electricity and I had received a shock. The love and warmth I had felt suddenly turned into disgust and aggression. "Why did you come back?!" I spat making her flinch a bit. There was sadness and guilt in her eyes, but it was nothing compared to the pain and suffering in my sister's eyes, when father had strangled her, knocking the air out of her lungs. "I came back to apologize and make it up to you." She said trying to take my hands into hers. She was skinnier than she had been. Her hair had turned silver over the years. "Oh Emily, did your little boyfriend, throw you out of his house?" I asked in a voice that was very foreign to me. This voice was laced with venom and disgust. I started walking down the side way, ignoring her as she called me out. She tried keeping up with my pace, but was failing miserably.
"I just need some money," she said halting at her position, making me halt at mine. What was I even thinking?! I ridiculed myself for the thought, that Emily Pietro Garcia would come back into my life, to make it up to me. I cursed my heart to raise my hopes up. I sped back to her, shoving her hard. "Do you even have a heart, or have you turned that in for money?! Emotions, regrets, guilt, nothing?! You can do better Emily? Can't you?" I spat my venom out. She raised her voice for the first time now. "Do you think it was easy for me to leave you guys? It was your father who made me do it." The rage rose up my body. "Don't you dare take that bastard's name! I know how dirty and filthy you both were. You slept around with people. No one knew about it, but I did. I saw it with my own eyes. You both were selfish in your own way. Why did you even bother bringing us in to this world?! Do you even think that I'll believe whatever story you make up, take you in and do the same fucking mistake twice? Nah. I'm not a kid who had a happy life. I'm the kid who saw her sister getting strangled by her father and her mother running away with whoever you fucked back then. You need money right? Here take this. Leave me alone. My heart and brain always fights over you and I need to get free from the war. Leave me alone, please! Mom, I beg you," I said while handing her the money that I had won tonight. "You both are dead to me. Let this be the last time I meet you mom," I said turning around and walking back to my house. She didn't stop or call me out this time.
Hot tears rolled down my cheek, while I walked down the road. The night was cold and the road was deserted. I was in a desperate need for warmth. I needed Agnes to hug me, stroke my hair and make me sleep. I needed her. I rushed towards my house in a desperate need. Agnes opened the door. She had a worried expression on her face and her phone in her hand. I didn't close the door, but soon engulfed her in a hug. I thought that she would hug me back, but instead, for the first time, she pushed me away.
"Where were you?" Her voice a bit raised. "At the bar," I replied. "Where's your phone?" she asked dialing my number. "I don't know," I said giving up the hope of getting a good warmth tonight and sitting on the couch. "Do you even have the fucking idea, how worried I was?!" She continued. "What is this that we are doing?! Huh?! Aren't we supposed to sort out a arguments by opening up to each other? But you were long gone!" She said pulling me up. I pulled my hand away from her grip and sat back down. "Agnes I can't do it right now." I said rubbing my temples. Thoughts and memories were clouding my head. Flashbacks, from when I was five kept coming back and her comments weren't helping. "Great! Now you don't want to talk. Am I joke to you? Huh?!" Why was she even over reacting. Yeah we had a fight before I had left for playing today's game, but I thought maybe she would cool down and we could settle it down, after I came back. "You should've thought that before asking insensitive questions, Agnes," my voice rose too. "Okay?! Asking your girlfriend how does she suppresses her pain and grief, just to help her, doesn't seem like an insensitive topic to me?" She raised her hands in a defeated posture. "You know what? You think that this entire fucking world revolves around. You think that people will come to you, show you pity and sympathy. You like gaining the sympathy and pity from dumb people like me, who believe in your bullshit childhood story. You parents were right to leave you. You don't deserve love. You are not worthy of any of the earthly shit, that's present. Your dad made the right choice to eliminate your sister from this world. She didn't deserve a sister like you. You are fucking useless and not worthy of --," she was cut short by a tight slap on her cheek. This made her realize the venom she had in her tone when she spat those words. Her eyes widened in horror. A sudden rush of emotions overflowed through my body. Everything thing came back to me all at once. It hit me, as if a bus ran me over, while crossing the road. An excruciating pain came rushing down on my heart, making it even more heavy.
I fisted my fingers in her hair and dragged her to the wall, pinning her against it. These actions were foreign to me, but the voice which supported my actions was not. It was bold move that the voice in my head, supported. I banged the back of her head into the wall and curled my fingers around her throat. Her face was pale and her eyes threatened to pop out. But there was a lace of disgust and fear in them. Her face didn't exhibit pain, it had a traces of mixed emotions, that I was unable to read very well. I was disgusting and filthy, just like my parents, that was what her eyes were hinting. Her face reminded of my sister that night. I stood there clutching my teddy bear close to my heart and looking at my father strangling my sister, in fear. I was a fucking coward. I could've just gone and hit his head with the vase, but I just stood there watching the events unfold itself.
I let go of my grip, making her cough and pant for air to enter her lungs. In a voice, not more than a whisper, "Get out," I said not meeting her eyes. I could feel that she was crying, but was not able to figure out whether it was the pain, that traveled across different parts of her body and the fear or the pain that we both felt because of the parting. I don't know.
It was the guilt, the pain and idea of turning into a monster, that ate me inside out. I didn't raise my head, until I heard the door locking. I was shocked at how I turned into the monster I had refused to become while growing up. I was going to kill the girl, who taught me to live. I slid down the wall, sitting on the floor. No lump was forming at my throat, neither did any hot tears tried pricking out of my eyes. I squeezed them hard, to let the tears fall, but it was dry. Maybe, I wasn't worthy of having the warmth. Maybe Agnes was right in calling me useless. There were so many maybe-s, that my brain threatened to stop working, if I tried any hard to find another maybe. I lied down on the floor and let out a scream, that I had been suppressing for so long. It was the beginning of a night that was too long to be over.
