A Boy by the Name of Theseus~a Transinnit sbi story~

Chapter seven

Tws: gender dysphoria, mentions of death/dying, explaining some reasonings behind suicidal thoughts & ideation, living for other people

Phil POV:

"Tom!" I shout, moving Tommy so that he's leaning against his bed and not laying on the floor.

"You need to tell me what's wrong." I plead.

I have to understand to help him. And I have to help him.

Tommy falls into my arms, crying harder than I've ever seen him before. He's barley breathing through his choked sobs. His tears dampen my shoulder.

I don't even know what to do. He seems so unbelievably upset, in a way I've never seen. It's like this has always been what's in his head and he's been holding it in all these years.

I can't imagine all the time he's been feeling like this. His whole life has been thing after thing after thing.

I really think about it.

He's probably been feeling like this since L'manburg. Maybe longer.

It's awful to think about.

My son constantly has this feeling inside him. He feels like he needs to be strong for other people and he holds it all in. But he's breaking. My seventeen year old son thinks he needs to be strong for me, and it's destroying him.

"What's going on?" I ask. I have to know why he's feeling this way. He needs to say it. He needs to say that this is all bad. He needs to cry in my arms and tell me everything, because that's what he needs from a father.

Tommy just keeps sobbing. It's like he's so upset he can't speak.

This is why. This is why he cuts. Because this is in his head, eating him alive.

Tommy pov:

My head feels like a fucking hurricane. I can't make out a lot of my thoughts. With the exception of one.

I don't want to die.

Yes you do.

I try to block it out, even though I really can't.

I really don't. I don't want to die. I want it to die. I want feeling this way to die.

The people around me don't want me dead.

Dadza wouldn't be holding me on the floor if he did. He never would.

Wil wouldn't have cried so much over me cutting.

Fundy wouldn't give his all to always be there. 

Ranboo wouldn't have given me that glass pane. 

All these little things that seem so silly. It shows that they care. They want me alive. I need to live. If not for me, for them.

And I don't want me dead either. I just want to feel okay.

"I don't wanna die." I choke out through my sobs.

Dadza rubs my back. "You're not going to die. It's gonna be okay. I know it's not right now. I know it hasn't been. But it will be." He reassures.

I can only hope he's right.

I keep crying into his shoulder. It feels like I've been waiting all my life for someone to care.

Phil pov:

I've never been so concerned, yet, so relieved to hear a sentence in my life.

'I don't want to die'.