so this is growing up | hwang hyunjin

prologue: loss of innocence

Before you could walk, he was the hand that kept you from falling.

Before you could run, he stole your heart.

Hyunjin was a part of your life for longer than you can remember. And you loved him before you knew what love was.

Two modest brick houses that sat side by side on a cobblestone path charmed both your parents. Yours desired a quiet neighborhood to raise their family while his sought a home closer to his father's new job. It was a miracle of fate that the couples got along so well, frequently hosting one another for dinner and delivering baked goods next door to celebrate special occasions.

And how convenient it was that your neighbors had a son the same age as you. Hyunjin became your playmate by consequence of your circumstances, but he became your partner out of your own wills. You'd never met another boy before him, but you were sure there was none other more gentle.

He was kind, he shared his snacks with you—even his most favorite ones—and never complained when you took the last piece. He was patient, always waited for you to tie your shoes before racing to the jungle gym. Why didn't you just wear slip-ons like him? He never understood that. But even when you'd trip over your laces and fall to the ground in tears, Hyunjin never called you silly. He comforted you until you were ready for another round of tag.

He was familiar to you. He was safe. When you began kindergarten for the first time, you clung onto him like ivy, too afraid to talk to the other kids. He didn't mind spending his lunches with you. The two of you sat under the maple tree every day, chatting about how difficult subtraction was and how you couldn't wait to sprint home to catch the newest episode of your favorite cartoon. You were inseparable.

Come middle school, Hyunjin's curiosity for the world grew. He wished to explore the woods behind your backyard and collect the prettiest rocks. He wondered how the view would look from the highest tree. He'd ask you to join him on his adventures, ask you if you were curious too. You were. You soon shedded your timidness and followed him wherever he took you. Sometimes he didn't know where himself.

But you trusted him. You trusted him more than you trusted yourself. He taught you how to be brave, how to be courageous. You had nothing to fear, not when Hyunjin was by your side. And he never broke your trust. With him, you were invincible.

He thought he was invincible too. He had everything he needed in this world. He had his parents, who showered him with unconditional love. His father—his hero—the man who taught him how to treat others with respect in order to become a respectful man himself. His mother—his everything—who made sure he was never cold, never hungry, never needing of anything. And he had you.

His mother was the first woman he ever loved. You were the second.

His curiosity for the girl who lived next door blossomed from the moment his parents introduced him to you. He wanted to know what your favorite color was. His was red. What kind of games do you like to play? Would you paint with him if he let you borrow his brushes? How did you get so pretty?

Hyunjin had endless questions. He wanted to know everything about you. His curiosity was bottomless, and it only grew as you got older.

In high school, he began to realize the meaning behind his inquiring mind. Maybe he knew it all along. But with the help of William Shakespeare and a tedious assignment from his English teacher to read the classic play, Romeo and Juliet, a novel idea popped into his head for the first time.

"My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep. The more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite."

The words on the page rang throughout his brain. Whatever it was that he had for you—it was infinite. Finally, he made the connection between his awareness and what had been brewing in his subconscious mind all this time. Hyunjin was in love with you.