Just Don't Die

Therapy

"How's your depression?" The balding man asked nonchalantly from behind his desk.

"It's better," Blaine said, forcing a slight smile. "The dark thoughts are definitely less."

"How much less?"

"They are still there, but I can distract myself and push them away easily," Blaine said honestly. He had to actually think about the last time the thoughts of suicide were more than just a passing thought. "Probably less than once a day that I notice them."

"Well, I would call that a huge success, Blaine. You had me worried for a while."

"You were worried? Think how I felt." Blaine said, only this time he let a genuine smile appear at the corner of his mouth.

"How was it? You are the only patient I have had that went through psychedelic therapy. Was it just a bunch of hallucinations? Did you feel different during or immediately after?" The man behind the desk stood excitedly, finding a chair closer to Blaine.

"It's hard to explain. Like, I had some hallucinations in the beginning, like the walls looked like they had water running down them, and my thoughts got super jumbled. I tried to focus on why I felt the way I did." Blaine said, looking at the ceiling as he tried to remember details.

"You have had quite a bit of trauma, not just recently, but as a teenager too. Having depression from it is not that much of a surprise."

"I get that, but I wanted... I just..." Blaine struggled for the right words. "As I started to get different perspectives on my thoughts during the trip, I started to feel like my response to the bad things that happened to me through my life... well, I feel like I created a lot of my own misery."

"That's definitely a different insight for you. How do you mean 'you created it'?"

"Well, for starters, if I had been able to deal with my dad's death differently, I could have spent more time with my mom and been better support for her before she died. If I had taken emergency leave when my mom was on her death bed, rather than wait till she had died, I would have been able to help during that mission in Iraq, and it might not have... well, you know." Blaine could feel the darker thoughts start to resurface as he thought about all his traumatic experiences.

"So, how did that help you to gain a different perspective? I like that you have gained a different perspective, but I also don't want this to turn into a mind game you play of 'what I should have done' because that's not something you can change." The excitement in his voice had left in exchange for a more therapeutic tone.

Blaine had spent a lot of time thinking about whether he should talk to Dr. Latourney about this. He had started to see him after his pregnant wife was killed in a random car accident, and he had learned to trust him as much as he could trust anyone.

"Well, here's the deal. During the trip, beyond the weird thoughts and hallucinations, I started to really focus on what I needed to do with my life. I had a sudden moment of clarity. I wouldn't call it a hallucination as much as a vision." He could tell he had Dr. Latourney's full attention now but didn't know whether that was good or bad. "I saw what my life would be like if my dad hadn't died."

The look on Dr. Latourney's face made Blaine immediately regret telling him. In retrospect, he didn't fully understand or believe it; how could he expect someone who didn't experience it to understand him.

"What did that life look like?" Dr. Latourney asked without hesitation.

In Blaine's mind, Dr Latourney had already dismissed him, and he wasn't quite prepared to expound on his experience further.