Just Don't Die

Realities

The words that Blaine heard were unintelligible, but the voice was recognizable. It was Kurt Cobain, and he was singing, but it wasn't a song he recognized. It was a song about Blaine. Even though the words he was singing were obviously in another language, Blaine knew what he was saying. Kurt sang a song, debating whether Blaine was real or a figment of his imagination.

The butterflies in Blaine's stomach were turning into eagles, but as soon as it started to feel like nausea, it disappeared. Each thought that Blaine had held the secrets of the entire universe, but as soon as he tried to concentrate on that thought, it would be replaced by something else even more important. He tried to think about where he was, but that wasn't important now. He tried to think of any one thing, but that too proved to be impossible. The thoughts would come, and Blaine would give that thought his entire focus, but soon, he couldn't remember what that thought was. The one thought that kept swirling repeatedly was that I took too much. This is going to be bad. Very quickly, that became the only thought, and every thought started to become darker with the anticipation of all the things that could go wrong. What if it was laced and you stop breathing? What if you are allergic to ketamine and you are in anaphylaxis right now? You just killed yourself, and for what? Because you wanted to see something that could never be?

Blaine recognized this feeling. He'd felt this negative thought spiral before and was warned about it during his psychedelic therapy, only this time, he didn't have someone to talk him through it. There was no one to let him know that it would be okay and that this was only temporary. Just him. It was Blaine against his own brain.

"Stop," Blaine shouted. Or at least he thought he shouted it. Either way, that wasn't important. He knew that it was up to him to stop the negative thoughts that would eventually kill him.

Then it happened. Everything stopped. The flood of random thoughts. The inability to focus. The geometric shapes and faces he had just been surrounded by were gone. He died. His heart must have stopped, and now all that he could see was blackness.

"Wake up, Daddy." A little girl's familiar, sweet voice filled every molecule in Blaine's body with a joy he couldn't remember ever feeling before. The darkness faded as light entered his opening eyelids. The beautiful face with a small smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks smiled wide at him.

Juliette. He knew her name instinctively. This was the little girl from the vision, but this was different. He was lying in bed on a warm afternoon this time. His dad wasn't here, nor was Kalvin.

"I'm hungry," Juliette said, still smiling wide.

"What are you thinking? Cereal? Popcorn?" Blaine heard himself say. It was his voice, but he didn't say it. It was like watching a movie from inside someone else's body.

"Waffles!" Juliette screamed.

"Shh. Let mommy nap a little longer." Blaine said, slowly sitting up and wiping the sleep from his eyes.

Turn around. I want to see her. Blaine tried to will himself to just look over, but again, he found himself unable to do anything but watch what this other Blaine was doing, and this other Blaine was only focused on getting his little girl some food.

"What were you watching?" Blaine said in a near whisper to his daughter.

"Simpsons." She replied, holding Blaine's hand and leading him to the kitchen. Blaine could feel the warmth of her hand in his, but he was still unable to respond.

"That's my favorite. Why didn't you wait for me?" Blaine said, still talking softly, just above a whisper.

"You said to let you and Mommy sleep." She said, rolling her eyes.