{A SHORT STORY}Where Is My Happy Ending, The Real Villainess Story

what is this..... feeling?!!

xxxx

I don't know what to say anymore. I've started to go on more general events because of my fiance status.
But that isn't the problem now, I've started my regret just yet.
I've looked into his eyes before right?!..
Why can't I anymore?
His frowns seems more pretty now.
A segment of his emotions I feel like I feel now.
I can't afford to deviate from the plan.
Sweat filled palms every time I'm about to see him.
His voice rings like a melody in my ears everytime he speaks.
When I saw his slight smile, I felt a rumble and tumble in my stomach.
My head felt light and he shone before my eyes.
This symphonic tone that pulses through my brain every time I see his worries me deeply.
I can't seem to decipher the moment he steps in. Whether it be a conversation or his very own arrival.
Today we went to the tea buffet.
I maintained a very pretty silence and a dignified attitude.
My family's name counted on it.
Mother would have been very crossed if I let down our name for a slight moment. In silence I stirred through the tea at our table. An uneasy and obscured muted atmosphere.
But my body had other ideas.
I couldn't maintain a calm and composed figure.
I didn't want to let them down. I knew I would had been the only one to face the pain of that.
My treatment would have been far worse of the previous's.
An excused moment and then I was before the stars once more.
I felt a twirl on my insides and a light tap on my heart.
The Stars, my one true ally.
But you see even the greatest of helpers can detest you.
I have none but a lot of detest.
This is for my happiness after all. But what if it lies somewhere else,......
Will they even still be able to trust me again.......
When I've let them down and failed so many times........
Can I still redeem myself........
Can I still be trusted........
A hand wiped off my falling tear and then a shadow beside me.
That day he open up.
He had said his woes and just for a moment I saw him as a little child.
His mother gone, and with a very  strict father. Every thing wasn't going very well.
A winning battle for his life though but still a frail resolve to end what must be, that might be his downfall.
Even with this, I felt unlucky.
My parents love was unfounded now. Even with the obvious fragility and dispensary nature,  I disposed of it when I had let them down. I truly am a failure.
And that's why I must get it back.
Our love will be mutual once again.
We had stayed there for a while, comfortable and tolerated on one hand, happy and contented on the other. I knew I had to be happy for my progress.
I was gaining his attention. The step was proceeded. No recessions, but......
why does it hurt a little to think about it?....
What are these reactions to my own thoughts on him?.......
Emotions are they?....or more pains to come?.....
A enquiry that never popped up until recently appeared in my mind.
Is this.......love or affection?!....