Sebryan💋💗

Goodbye...(Angst)

(TW: ANGST, SUICIDE, SELF-HARM, DEPRESION/MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, EATING DISODER-kinda- OVERDOSING, DRINKING EVERYDAY-- DRUG USUAGE)
[So basically this is an Au where Seb unfortunately died. He got into a motorcycle accident and due to major injuries and blood loss, he didn't make it. Ryan copes with it by doing drugs, drinking and cutting himself. The other members only know about him doing drugs and drinking. They don't know about his attempts and cutting. Sorry if this makes you sad, you may skip it! Hope you guys enjoy!)

(A WEEK AFTER SEB PASSED)
Ryan's POV:

It's been a week since...he left. I can't even begin on how much this hurts. I sighed as I laid down in bed, staying in the same position for the past week. I couldn't bring myself to get up, move or anything. It's not the same without him...I miss hearing his voice, his laugh, feeling his hair, holding his hand, cuddling with him, kissing him, looking at his eyes, his smile, his smell. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I lost my husband, my partner and what may have been my soulmate. I loved him so much...He was my everything and he was gone just like that...I prayed that night that he was okay and would make it, but he didn't. I was in the room when the line went to that beeping sound...The look of dead and numb in his eyes. I never got to even hear his voice. How could God take such a beautiful and caring man out of this world? Why him? WHY HIM? I was sobbing and breathing hardly, basically not able to breath. It hurts so much. I started gasping for air as my tears consumed me. Justin ran in and said, "RYAN! Calm down, breath, its okay, I'm here" Justin knew how bad my crying got. I had melt downs on the way back home, I wasn't able to breath but Justin was there to help me. I slowed my breathing and calmed down. "thank you.." I softly said, my head hurting and my stomach growling from how I haven't ate in days. He then said, "Do you wanna come down to eat?.." I shook my head, not being able to speak anymore nor move. "You haven't ate in a while Ry...- Ryan" He said. Nobody calls me Ry anymore due to it being the nickname Seb gave me. It was a trigger for me and I started crying again. Justin rubbed my back and said, "C'mon Ryan, lets go get you something to eat"  He gently picked me and helped me stand up. My legs were wobbly and my head was dizzy. He walked me to the kitchen and told me to sit down. Doing as he said, I sat down. He made me some pancakes and eggs. I smiled softly then it faded. 'just how Seb used to make me breakfast' I thought to myself. A tear fell down and I put a small chunk of food in my mouth. I finished in a few minutes and told Justin thank you. I walked back to my room and closed the door. I laid back in bed, same position and crying softly. 'I miss you..' I softly said to myself. I got up and opened my drawer. I pulled out a small razor. I went into the bathroom and locked it. I sat down on the floor and cut my wrist.
1 cut

2 cuts

3 cuts

4 cuts
5 cuts.
I drew blood. They were bleeding and I winced at the burning. I loved how it felt because it made everything go away. I hated how it made me feel guilty afterwards. I sighed and continued the cuts. After about 6 more cuts I stopped. I got up and washed the blade in the sink. I then washed my wrist, washing off the blood and watching it go down the drain. I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes all puffy and red from the drugs and drinking. My eyebags from crying, my hair a mess. A tear rolled down my cheek on how I looked so pathetic. The boys made a video yesterday about Seb's passing but I didn't film with them. I couldn't bare myself to even think about talking on how he died. It pained me to much. The members told the stars that I would return shortly but that I'm taking a break due to what happened. Many stars were sad and even in the same state as me, yet they didn't know him like I did. His love and him in general was heaven sent. He was an angel, and ironic isn't it? He became what he truly was, an angel in heaven. Sometimes I wonder if he peers down at me, either disappointed or ashamed. I don't know which. I just wish to see his smile again. He was my everything and I lost him. I put the razor in my pocket and walked out, covering my wrist and went into my room. I put on one of Seb's hoodies. They smelled like him so I always wore them, to cover the scars and to remember him. I'm slowly starting to forget his voice and I just...I want to be with him, hear him, feel him, smell him. I need him. He wouldn't be proud of what I've done. I went towards my closet and pulled out a 6 pack of beer. I drank all of them and I was drunk and had a massive headache. I wonder...What if I actually leave this time. I sighed and took a nap. When I awoke it was now 1am. 'Now would be the perfect time' I said to myself. Recently I tried attempting 3 times. But I failed. 1 was overdosing, 2 was hanging but the wire broke(relatable :3), 3 was an overdose but Justin stopped me. No one was awake to stop me this time, nor save me. I smiled softly to myself. Today is the day. I walked over to my desk and wrote letters for the boys and stars.