Death And Love Poems (2) Mafia Romance

27. Ikigai

Marco

-two months ago-

Ikigai is the Japanese term for a passion, or something that brings joy and fulfillment to life.

Previously there were quite a few small things that brought joy to my otherwise very grim life.

I am a killer and have been for a long time but somehow I managed to separate that persona from who I really am on the inside and still keep and feel joy.

Now everything seems gray and the only moment when I feel alive is when I kill. Ironically.

Some moments really change your brain chemistry and view of the world.

I am lost in darkness. It feels familiar but it was never so all-encompassing.

"I will send a car for you tomorrow. You can return to Rome. We have to prepare your public appearance."

Maybe things will fall into place in time. Maybe something that is not violence will make it hurt less.

Grampa... I never imagined anybody wailing at my side when I was hurt. It always felt clear that I would be and die alone. I certainly didn't imagine him at my bedside. Yet he was. For the second time. He bulldozed his way in there and never left.

Someone that is stubborn to not leave me. That's a first.

I missed Italy even if life in France was quite nice. A time when I was again a very low-key citizen is a rare luxury.

I am a bit lost and there is only grampa to talk to about it. And I know we don't see eye to eye on quite some things in this regard.

Now I am locked up in his villa, carefully so nobody can see me.

Most of my time is spent training because it helps with anger relief and when you are exhausted you think less.

But there are still the thoughts that nag at you late at night.

Today we have eight months, three weeks, and two days since D-day.

I am looking at the coffee cup with real coffee that I am supposedly allowed to drink now. Then I sigh and drink water. Some things just don't taste the same anymore.

Grampa enters the dining room and sits down by my side.

He puts a stack of paper on the table, to my left.

"What's this?"

"Prospective candidates."

"For?"

"Marco, stop acting like a bratty child."

"I wouldn't know how; I never had the option of being one."

Lorenzo sighs and unusual emotions fleet over his face.

"You have five minutes."

I raise an eyebrow.

"You really didn't grow up spoiled, and I know if your mother had been alive things would have been different. Very different for you."

There is a short moment of silence.

"So you have five minutes to be bratty and then I expect you to snap out of it because regardless of your past this attitude is not going to do you any favors in the future."

"You are right. It makes no sense. I will decide, eventually."

"Till the end of the month."

"You mean in less than two weeks?!"