Versification of my soul

Child?

I wonder what i did to deserve this
All of this to your own kid
They say it's their way to love me
Then I'm scared to recieve any from anyone
I don't want to have any pain in me
Tell me what to expect from others, mum?

I can't forgive nor forget
And it's for the best
You hit the nerve this time
Calling me names which i don't even know existed
Blaming me for something that didn't happen
Then trying to make me take responsibility for all of this

Someone who loves you
Would they do this?
They failed at unconditional love
Failed to restore my hopes and make life glow
Yes they did provide me with things that a child needed
But should they mention it everytime?
Is that what parents are supposed to do?

All of this pain and just your excuses
Sometimes makes me wonder why I'm so clueless
Wishing for my death and saying it to my face
Making me having thoughts about my life
Do i even deserve to be happy?
Do i even deserve to be feel all this pain?

I'll never be like you, never
I'll never use dirty tricks like you
I don't even want a future with someone
Just because of you
Everything because of you

I wish this all was a dream
All of those words and screams
I can't be your advisor, can't be second mom to them, can't be your pillar,
can't do things you expect from me, can't do anything

Please don't ruin this for me
Please Don't make it harder
I'm trying to get over it
Trying so hard it's exhausting

I say they're just the ones who gave me life
And it remains to that only.
What else could be there?
But in the end I'm their child
The child who wishes to do anything
For them, everything i do, goes to nothing 

I want to say goodbye but,
The ending, always remains same
You're too busy playing victim
How can you even know what I'm going through 
I'm not all smiles and laugh
That's just in front of you
To mask everything I'm feeling

I agree with Conan Gray
When he said:
I can run but i can't hide
From my family line

It's hard to put into words
How much i am suffering from inside
But why do you even care
When the exact cause is you

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I wrote this 2 years ago, kept it unedited because of the feelings I felt that time and whatever words i sobbed.