Promises Remembered

Part 2 Chapter 3

A/N I forgot to add a note for the last chapter, so here it is. Finding the right balance for Kakashi's emotional state for the last couple and next few chapters was kind of tricky. I recently listened to a podcast, (Chris Williamson's podcast on youtube, the episode was called Why Father's Matter with Dr. Anna Machin in case anyone is interested, it was a fascinating conversation) and in it the Dr. says that when a man becomes a father, when the baby is born they experience a drop in testosterone of approximately a whole third!! that is never recovered so long as they stick around. Crazy right? Apparently the point is to allow for emotional bonding. The drop in testosterone makes it easier to bond with and relate to their children I guess. ANYWAY as I mulled over Kakashi's personality post Kazuki in this, it occurred to me that he wouldn't be the same person he is in the manga/anime as a dad. Considering this sciencey bit, I feel like I can justify his emotional state in the face of what has happened to him. For those that asked, Yes, the bulk of part 2 is watching Kazuki growing up. Sakura may or may not make an appearance again towards the last few chapters. TBH I have a lovely scene in my head of her not coming back and Kakashi's reaction. ^.^ tee hee FINALLY the start of this chapter will be familiar. I made a few minor changes, but this entire thing is the very first thing I wrote for this. It underwent lots of changes as I wrote part one but this is where the entire story came from. As much as I enjoyed the romance in part one, this half of the story, sad single dad Kakashi is what spurred this entire story. I love it! 

Part 2 Chapter 3

Kakashi

Day twenty without her

A whimpering cry pulled Kakashi from his dream. It had been a good dream. It was of her, his Sakura. They were together, all three of them, in the future.

But he was awake now. The gray light of early dawn streamed in through the thin curtains, and the sorrow he knew he would never be free from returned in a crushing wave, threatening to drown him. Part of him wanted to let it.

The whimpering cry grew more insistent. Kakashi, still groggy, rolled towards the sound despite wanting nothing more than to lay there, wallowing in the aching loneliness and despair. But he'd promised.

"Kazuki..." He reached across the bed, placing a hand on the fussing infant's stomach. "It's alright, Kazuki. Shhhh..." It wasn't alright, though Nothing was.

Gently, Kakashi slid his son closer to himself, trying his best to soothe him. To soothe himself. His warm little body curled into his chest... and for a moment, he did settle. Tiny hands reaching blindly, clutched at Kakashi's shirt.

Wisps of pink hair stirred with Kakashi's breath, Kazuki's scent filling his senses and easing the ache in him just enough that he felt like he might survive the day. Opening his eye fully, he gazed down at his son. Dark blue-gray eyes stared up at him as he made a crude attempt at sucking on the bit of shirt he'd managed to get close enough to his mouth.

A soft, sad chuckle escaped Kakashi. "I'm sorry I don't have what you're looking for." He didn't have anything the baby, hardly three weeks old, needed.

He needed his mother. She would have been amazing at this. But she was gone. Now all their son had was a heartbroken, useless, way-too-young-for-this father who had no idea what to do with him.

It might have been easier to let his grandparents raise him. They had no idea who he really was to them, but he knew they would have taken him anyway. It would have been easier that way. Kazuki would have grown up with his mother, after a fashion, and Kakashi would have been... even more alone.