What Now?

Part One: When It Started?

I thought I knew. Replaying my life on a constant loop, with no control of where to stop, I could have sworn I had it figured out. But then again, I rarely ever do. For the longest time, I thought it was when I realized I would never be good enough as is. That in order for someone to appreciate me. To consider me. All of me...I had to hide what I could, while giving more of myself away than I was ready for.

Having just moved across the country, uprooting everything I thought I knew to be certain, I was to begin a new life as an outsider to a world not willing to let me in. I was awkward, to put it simply. Loud and offbeat. I laughed too wildly. I dreamed too distant. My hair was a disheveled dirty blonde with untamable frizzy waves. Large glasses sat upon my button nose, with one eye much worse off than the other. The doctors said I needed to wear an eye patch over the right, so that the left would get stronger, but I refused. I refused to let myself be anymore out of place than I already was. My front tooth was a tad crooked and I was pudgy, with a chest far larger than any ten year old had business having.

Where we had been relocated for my father's job wasn't considered the safest of areas. Well, then again, looking back I don't know how true that was. I wonder if things would have turned out the same if I was enrolled in public school. But because my parents were terrified of what would come from an education where I would for once be the minority, they chose to go the religious route.

Our Lady of Mercy was structurally gorgeous, as far as I can remember. Then again, it's difficult to remember the positives, when so much was outweighed by the negatives. As expected, there was a church where we would often partake in morning prayer and random masses. The campus itself was configured much like an outdoor mall. To get to each class, the library, the cafeteria, the gym, and anywhere else on campus, you had to step outside. I remember that being the one thing I appreciated, if nothing else. Every shift in activity was greeted with a literal breath of fresh air. A chance to reset. To feel free. Soon enough, that freedom would be a distant memory, but at least it was there for the time being.

Making friends was an obstacle I had no idea how to overcome. If I went in with my ordinary outgoing self, I was looked at as a contagious disease. If I remained quiet and kept to myself, I could hear the whispers nastily directed towards me.

Trying to remember the timeline of events is next to impossible. I've tried over and over to piece everything together, but it's like little blips of reflection. Things that I know happened, but I mostly have no idea what came first. I do know that I managed to make one friend. Her name was Katie. Like me, she didn't seem to have a place to fit in. But unlike me, she didn't seem to care.

Katie was rough around the edges, with a tough exterior and a fresh mouth. She made me laugh. Even when I thought there was nothing for me, she could bulldoze her way past my walls and pull me out of my self imposed solidarity. We became inseparable. If she saw anyone give me shit, she was right there to shove it right back in their face. What she didn't see, I didn't tell her, but it was nice to know I had someone by my side.

Little did I know my relationship with Katie would lead to a major breaking point. But I'll get to that a little later.