What Now?

Puberty

No one had told me what to expect. I guess they assumed I wasn't old enough to bother just yet.

I was dying. That had to be the only explanation. Why else would there be this much blood, and coming from there of all places?

"Mom?" I whimpered out, peeking through a small crack in the bathroom door. "Something's wrong."

After frantically telling her what was happening, she slipped a pad and fresh undies through the door, telling me we'd talk after I'd freshened up.

Having cleaned myself up as best I could, I left the bathroom in tears, unsure what this all meant.

I should have been told it was natural. Just a normal part of life. Instead, I was drilled with questions. "Why is this happening so early? Did you trigger it in some way? Are you messing around with boys? You better tell me the truth!"

Oh, no. She's right. This must be all my fault. I let them touch me. I let them touch me over and over and over again, that must have...I did this...

"No," I denied everything she said, promising myself to keep it hidden at all costs.

She can never know. She would be so disappointed in me. I can't let that happen. I won't...

"That's gross!" I continued, with a look of disgust masking that of guilt and fear.

She paused for a moment before finally placing a hand on my shoulder, "Alright, good. Just know, this means you need to be extra responsible with your body. Now that you've started to get your period, your body is capable of getting pregnant. I will not be raising any grandchildren. Do you understand?"

The rest of the day was filled with silent sobs, knowing I would have to face him soon.

—

The next time I slept over Katie's, her brother noticed I was quieter than usual and it was harder for him to get me to do the things he wanted. I was putting up more of a fight than I had in a while.

I was confused when he acted concerned. He had a look on his face like he almost...cared? He kept prodding for answers, and finally I broke.

I told him that things needed to change. That I got my period and I couldn't risk anything going wrong because of it. He chuckled, pulling me close. Running his fingers through my hair and cooing that I had nothing to worry about. "We don't do anything that will get you pregnant. Nothing needs to change. You worry too much."

That night I was held down by two other boys while he kissed and touched where he pleased, my tears went unnoticed.