Chemical Fusion

Part 4

Eric's POV:

Do you know that feeling of suddenly realizing how sober you are and that you've just been using the fact that you're drunk to justify making bad decisions and then the impending guilt that hits you in the face like a brick? Probably not. But now I have. I know I'm not drunk anymore, but... is it bad that I don't want to stop? Would that be manipulation of a drunk person? Again, probably. But... It doesn't seem like Finn wants to stop. I mean, we... consented to it? I have no idea how this works. Fuck it. Nothing could de-escalate the situation, and I don't want anything to. This is happening.

...

Regret. A familiar enough concept, yet not so familiar to stop the throbbing guilt in one's heart. Now, as I'm becoming more and more aware of my situation, waking up in the same bed as Finn, apparently lying on his bare chest, with my own selfishness and no apparent remorse. Disgusting. Why would I do that to a drunk person? What kind of monster am I? I'm disgusting. Who the fuck would ever do that? Why the fuck would I do that? The words began to ring through my head, again and again, like I'm reliving the worst moments of my life all over again. Regret. Regret. Stop. Stop it. Stop.

I can't blink. I can't breathe. I don't want to move. I want to stab someone. I want to stab myself. Fuck. I can't... I don't know what the fuck to feel right now. I want to stop myself from doing something like this ever again. I'm sitting up on the bed, clutching my hair, trying not to move, or breathe, or do anything that would wake up Finn and start a conversation that I want to put off forever if I could. My wide eyes blur out of focus, and I clench my jaw. What was I thinking? What even... I am absolute scum. I don't deserve to go to college if my mind is still stuck in the fucking gutter all the time. I don't even deserve to live. I-

"Eric? Eric. Are you... alright?"

Fuck. Finn's awake. I woke him up. Of course I did. Of course. Why didn't I try harder not to? I need to try harder. Wait, he said something. What was it? Fuck. I need to listen better. I need to try harder.

"H-huh?" I stammered. I'm trying not to look him in the face. I can't, when it's all my fault. Like always. Every time. My fault.

"I... asked if you were alright."

I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder. I whipped my face around to look at him, and realized that it was streaked with tears. I couldn't say anything. I just... couldn't. I need to apologize. I need to get the words out. I open my mouth, and nothing comes out except a sob. Pathetic.

"Eric... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

What? It's not his fault. Everything is my fault. Don't apologize. Don't. You can't make me feel like I'm worth something. I don't deserve this false hope.

"Finn, no. No. Absolutely not. This isn't your fucking fault. It's mine. You can't say sorry. I have to. Finn, I'm so, so sorry. I don't know what to say except sorry. I want to apologize, and I wanted to be friends, but I fucked that up pretty bad, didn't I?" I try to smile, but I can feel it slipping. It hurts. My eyes hurt. My jaw hurts. Most of all, though, my heart hurts. I can't keep it up anymore. I start sobbing again. I'm so pathetic. I bury my head in my hands.

I feel familiar hands slide onto my own and lift my face, taking my hands away. I'm sure I look horrible.

"Eric, stop. Stop."

"I'm sorry-"

"No, Eric, you're misunderstanding. This isn't your fault. It's mine just as much as yours. Stop apologizing."

He wipes the tears from my face, and the warmth of his hands is comforting, but there's still an underlying tone of crushing guilt when he touches me. More than his hands, the warmth I'm drawn to is his words. The way they aren't twisted to make me at fault. The way they make perfect sense even if I can't seem to reach the same conclusion myself no matter how many times I try. Maybe the feeling that compelled me to make the decision last night wasn't lust, but actual love or admiration. I sincerely hope that was it, but I don't think it's going to matter anyway. If I were him, I would probably move out immediately to get away from the weird, perverted roommate that took advantage of me when I was drunk.