A Love Like Hail

Chapter 9

SINCE IT HAS always been an unspoken thing in my life, in this idle and weary tale of mine to whomever it concerns, I will also leave it blank. I know that this gap in my story may leave one feeling confused, or the exact opposite of relief from having been exempted from being bored into my time with Lin Xiawei.

For the former of my listeners, I will tell you this: A peculiar thing happened on that trip with Lin Xiawei.

We were supposed to stay in that cabin for ten days, but it was cut abruptly short for some unknown reason. Till this day, I cannot remember or find the reason as to what were the plausible causes.

There was no room for me to speak or ask questions during that time. I cannot forget the way her face was, as if she had returned to that faraway Lin Xiawei I grew up watching. She smiled, but it was like she didn't smile at all. It was a smile performed for outsiders, one that revealed respect but distance and the unknown. I could not see or understand what she was thinking.

"Do not worry about the project, I will finish it on my own." Not a slight trace of emotion in her blue eyes, that under daylight was unmistakably blue and foreign.

I could not budge a word in. Some things must have happened in-between this interaction, or even before. But I cannot recall with concreteness, and so slowly with years it has decayed in accuracy.

A car, silence, and then I was home. Muchen must've opened the door for me, because I remember his face that still carried some baby fat and big eyes that looked at me with concern.

He must've asked what had happened, but I think I felt self conscious under his gaze. I pushed him aside, muttered something I cannot remember, and stormed into my room. In my days, they say that when a girl turns sixteen, she will experience her first heartache. There were no other people in my life other than Lin Xiawei at the time, not to mention hardly any pursuers of boys. So why was it that year my heart ached terribly for the first time that was not for my sister? Why was it that as fast as she appeared, when she left my life that I still held her inside the small closet in my chest?

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Fulfilling her word, Lin Xiawei submitted our research project when we returned to school from Lunar New Year's break.

She stood confidently with the poster when we had to present, while I was on the other side with timidness. Nobody seemed to notice me when I was next to her, and they did not care that I spoke no words for our project. Even the teacher seems to have forgotten about my existence. This time, however, I did not care about my invisibleness. No spite was felt. There was only relief and a trace of sorrow. I had not seen Lin Xiawei for only a few days, but somehow it felt like there was a wall between us. I watched her lips move and her pearly skin glowing as she spoke with sureness and accuracy, while the silent class listened intently. During my solitude over break, I yearned to see her, to talk to her, and even greedily wished to feel her cool hands again. Now that my eyes can watch her, I do not worry about what others or what she thinks of me. I cannot bear to tear my gaze away from her again.

Everyone clapped. There was no question about a perfect grade, because she was Lin Xiawei, and that was that.

As she walked down the pedestal, a quick glance was casted my way. I was not afraid of being caught from staring like before. In fact, I wanted her to know. I wanted to find the reason for this sudden unspoken distance between us.

What about our shared moments? What about all the efforts you took to let me give you one more look? Why had you make me trust you then quickly threw it away? Could it have been my imagination? Why did you suddenly cancel our remaining days at the cabin?