Garden of Words (Compilation) | Completed

04 - Toxic Friendship

Dedicated to: Ayinity

Toxic

It’s like a slow poison.

You may not feel its effects immediately, but it slowly destroys your soul by time.

Post:
bonding w/ my friends
[uploaded 5 photos]

Pilit akong ngumiti nang makita ko ang post na ‘yon. It’s like a sudden pinched in my heart. It was one of my circles of friends’ post.

Wala ako.

They didn’t even invite me. Free naman ako pero wala man lang ne isa sa kanila ang nag-aya sa ‘kin.

Kaibigan ba talaga nila ako? Lagi nalang kasi.

Napahinga nalang ako at umiling.

Gwen:
hi gurl, may assignment ka na?

Mas lalong nanginig ang kamay ko sa nakita.

Pagkatapos nilang magsaya ng wala ako at kalimutan ang responsibilidad sa school ay sa akin sila tatakbo.

What a pity of me.

I didn’t respond. This time, I’m done. I’m done with this kind of friendship. I’m done with this set-up. I’m done being a loser.

I’m just their so-called back-up friend. Kaibigan lang ako kapag kailangan nila. Nakikita lang ako kapag wala ng iba.

The no-choice one.

Gwen: luh seen
Gwen: nagtatampo ka ba? about do’n sa post? unplanned ‘yon gurl.

Planned or not planned. They should call me right away. They shouldn’t forget me. Sana ramdam nilang kulang sila.

O siguro, kompleto na silang wala ako.

Gwen:
kj ka kasi masyado kaya alam naming ‘di ka sasama. sana naman hindi ka na kill joy now para mag share d’yan hihi

And wow.

Parang ako pa may kasalanan. Ako pa ang may mali. They’re so good at manipulating. The guilt trip was smooth.

Call me sensitive but this thing really important to me. This friendship...I really want to treasure. But feels like, I’m not really belong with it.

I’m just used.

As expected, they’re not bothered enough para bumawi.

The next day, I went to the canteen after class to eat lunch...alone.

Better.

I was about to scoop my rice when another circle arrived. They stopped at my table.

I groaned inwardly.

“Hi Ayel, mag-isa ka?”

That was Kim, one of my classmates. She’s with her friends. They’re trio in count.

I wanted to sound sarcastic but I don’t have enough energy for the chaos it’ll make.

“Ah oo e, bakit?” tanging sagot ko.

Some of her friends smile at me.

“Samahan ka namin? You’re too lonely to look at. Baka ma-video ka pa at mag-viral sa social media later.”

It’s Louise and she’s laughing while saying that. The trio laughed in chorus.

Tumawa nalang din ako para makisama sa kasiyahan nila. Hinayaan ko silang samahan ako kahit ayoko.

They began to sit at my table. Nagsimula na rin silang mag-ingay.

“Bakit nga pala hindi mo na kasama sina Gwen?”

It’s Louise again and she’s talking about my circle.

I swallowed hard my food before uttering a word. Can’t even think a specific reason.

Bakit ba kasi tanong sila ng tanong. Andami naman nilang pakialam.

“Gutom na kasi ako kaya umuna na akong kumain,” pagrarason ko.

Kim made a face.

“No offense ha pero feeling ko talaga, ginagamit ka lang niyang mga friends mo. Dahil alam mo ‘yon, magaling ka sa acads. Wala lang just saying,” biglaang opinyon niya.

Louise agreed.

“Yeah their energy won’t lie. Napaka-user ng dating kasi. Tignan mo kahapon, inaya ka ba nila ro’n no’ng kumain sila sa McDo?”
And I gulped.

“Hindi.”

“See? Hay nako Ayel, ‘yang circle mo...sobrang toxic, sorry for the term. But gurl, I tell you cut off mo na mga ‘yan,” pagkukumbinsi nila sa ‘kin.

“True ‘te, kaya lagi ka nilang ni-li-left out pansin mo?” pagsuporta ni Louise.

And those words, stop me from eating my food. I’ve lost my appetite.

I disagreed. “It’s not good to judge people easily.”

Kahit ramdam kong tama nga ang mga sinasabi nila pero hindi tamang sinasabi nila sa ‘kin ang mga ‘yan sa harap ko ngayon.

I might breakdown.

And they tsked with my words.

“Ikaw bahala, if willing ka mag-stay sa ganyang mga tao.”

I was about to open my mouth when Andrea stood up.

She’s been silent along the conversation.

“CR lang ako,” naging paalam niya.

Her friends both smiled at her. I smiled too as response.

Nang makalayo na siya ay nagsimula na rin akong sumubo ulit. Kahit nawalan ako ng gana ay nasasayangan din ako sa pagkain.

The two girls with me started scooping their foods too.

It was a peaceful moment when Kim suddenly talked.

“Tamo ‘tong si Andrea. Ang daming time makipag-date sa hindi naman ma-itsura niyang jowa tapos sa group project wala. Hulaan ko, nakipaglandian ‘yon sa CR.”

Louise looked at her meaningfully. Her eyes are both saying I'm still here in front of them.

Kim isn’t bothered.

“Dapat lang malaman ng iba ang kakatihan ng kaibigan nating ‘yan. Gusto ko na nga i-kick sa grupo. Baka gusto mo pumalit Ayel?”

“Sorry for her words Ayel ah. Na-carried away lang ‘yan. Nakaka-inis naman kasi talaga ‘yong kasama namin. Kung alam mo lang gaano ‘yon ka-irresponsible.”

And I stop for the moment I realized... they’re just mirroring my circle.

And there’s no way, I put myself again in that situation.

I feel bad for Andrea.

Wala man lang siyang alam, na hinuhusgahan lang siya ng mga kaibigan niya habang nakatalikod.

Reality.

Sometimes the people we’re closest to are the ones doing the most damage. And when Andrea came back smiling, not knowing the words just thrown on her a while ago.

And so, the atmosphere suddenly changed.

“Ba’t ang tagal mo gurl?” Kim asked as if she's not judging the girl she’s talking right now.

“Daming gumagamit ng cubicle,” sagot nito.

So, I looked at the two girl’s reaction and how I witnessed how they looked at each other, like they were judging their other friend in their minds.

Tsk.

Warning me to stay away from my toxic circle is like warning me to also stay away from them.

It’s really better to be alone than to be in a bad company.

My mental health is more important than any friendship. I won’t sacrifice it for these kinds of toxicity.