ꜱʜᴏᴜᴛ ᴏᴜᴛ _ ᴇɴʜʏᴘᴇɴ 8ᴛʜ ᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ

= loss =

Sometimes, when things felt too much on Lily, she forgets how to breathe and she will ended up in a panic attack. It's silent most of the time and no one has ever truly seen her in a panic attack but it's weird when she's quiet for a long period of time.

After the passing of both her parents (a chapter will be out about this), she began to shut herself out more and more. She tried to not make it obvious but everyone could see that she's struggling. Lily barely eats and when she has free time, she used it all to sleep and not socialize at all with anyone. This leaves the members feeling uneasy as they didn't know how to deal with a grieving person.

This isn't the first time she's grieving but because she had lost her only place to be a child, without feeling like being judged, it felt extra hard on her. Heeseung tried everything he could to make her happy but no matter what he does, he can never bring back the happy Lily. Meanwhile, Lily feels like a burden to everyone. It's been a month since her father passed away, yet the pain felt so new.

She feels like she shouldn't grieve for too long as she still a life to live but she just can't help it. Tears no longer fall from her eyes. Now, she is numb.

With littlest time she has to process her emotions, she's now back to work with the unending tours. When her father passed away, she was in Singapore for their Fate Plus Tour so she didn't have the chance to say her last goodbye. It left her totally heartbroken but on stage, she plastered on the biggest smile, acting as if she didn't just cried her eyes out the day before.

Now, she's in New Clark City, Philippines. It's been a week or so after his passing, but Lily is still very much affected. That's why, during the ment session, she decided to disclose the news to her fans. When it's finally her turn to speak, she had to hang her head low, not wanting to cry. "First of all, I would like to say thank you to all the Engenes attending the concert today. I appreciate all of you so much and I wouldn't know what to do without you guys."

The crowd cheered happily but Lily couldn't even muster up a smile as her eyes well with tears. "Urm, last week, I lost someone very dear to me." She stopped speaking because she got choked up with her tears. Heeseung who stood beside her patted her shoulder. "You don't have to do it if you're not ready, baby."

Lily shook her head. She would hate herself if people could see her depressed state and wonder why she doesn't smile as much. "I lost my loving father last week and things have been really hard lately." She finally said it which caused the crowd to go silent. They know how close Lily is to her father after the passing of her mother and to know that the only person she has left as a parent figure on this world is gone shocked them.

"I think, umm—" Lily couldn't do it anymore as she broke down crying. She squats on the ground, hugging her knees as she sobbed painfully. Heeseung and Jay went to Lily's sides to hold her and let her know that it's okay to not be okay. She's been strong for far too long and it surprises them how she could fake a smile when she's at the brink of tears. Her sobs are heard throughout the whole stadium, which had the members crying too.

"It's okay." Someone started chanting and soon the stadium is filled with the crowd telling Lily it's okay to cry. Heeseung let her cry some more before handing her a bottle of water and making sure she drinks it. After that, they stood back up so that Lily could finish her ment. She chuckled as she wipes away her tears. "That was a little dramatic. I'm so sorry. Urm, yeah. I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for supporting us. It means the world to us. I love you, Engene~"

She made a huge love with both her arms on top of her head which had the crowd cheering for her. The truth is, she feels a bit better after being able to let it out, even for a short while. Then, the members sat down at the edge of the stage, their front facing the LCD screen because they're told that there is a special video for them.

They didn't know what to expect but either way, they're excited to see it. "Is it on?" Upon hearing the voice, Lily gets teary eyed again. The video playing is a video of her father. "I guess it's on now. Hi, my beautiful flower. I made this video just in case something happened to me. You can never be so sure these days, right? Besides, I'm getting older and I don't know how much time I have left to live so I wanted to at least tell you this when I'm gone."

The members didn't expect this. Lily is sitting next to Jake who held her hand tightly. "I remembered how much I cried when you were born. You were so beautiful and tiny and I just can't believe it. Before you were born, the doctor said that you had a weak heart so we were worried for you but I'm glad you turned out well, flower. I'm so sorry for all the pain I've put you through. I've been a horrible father but you still take me back when I needed that second chance. Thank you for letting me in your life, flower."

Lily covers her mouth as she sobbed silently. "You've grown to be such an amazing person, flower. If your mother is still alive, she would've been very proud of you. Also, I know you're in a great deal of pain when she passed. You never showed it often but once you do, it aches my heart. Just how strong are you to be in so much pain yet can be smiling so brightly, flower? I'm so impressed but at the same time, I'm worried for you. You know, it's okay to be weak and let your emotions take over. You don't have to act tough all the time. I'm proud that you're so strong but sometimes, I wished that you would come crying to me. So that I could be of some help to you. So that I know I can be a shoulder you can lean on when you need someone."

She cried even harder. The reason why she hadn't cry to her father as much is because she never wanted him to worry about her. "But if you see this video, I'll probably not there to help you wipe those tears again, flower. I'm so sorry to have left you but I didn't really have a choice now, do I?" He smiled. "Still, I hope I could live longer to see both my beautiful daughters achieved success in their life. Maybe then would be a good time to go. But if I go before that, I would like to apologize beforehand. Either way, I want to see you and your sister succeed in life so do me a favor and keep going, okay?"

He sighed softly. "I think that will be all. Until I see you again, my flower. I love you, flower. So so so much. Bye~"

The video ended and now Lily is full on sobbing. Jake is hugging her, letting her let it out. "I miss him," she cried, "I really miss him." The sight pained the fans and the members to watch. Seeing Lily, who's been so composed all this time breaks down like this hurts them. They wished there's something they could do for her to lessen the pain but at the end, they really can't do much except be there for her when she is at her lowest.

Oh. Only if she could turn back time, she would. Just to have a little bit more time with her parents. For the last time.

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