Lover man (Oh, where can you be)

23

Jeongguk's vision is clouded by tears, he feels so broken, so disappointed by how things have gone. He always keeps so many emotions inside him, however now he seems unable to stop them. He cries and cries, silently, clenching his jaw and pacing frantically in the small space of the bathroom. He cannot understand it, he cannot believe Taehyung loves him. It's impossible. If he had loved him, he wouldn’t have left him, right? He would’ve tried, he would’ve done what was within his reach, he would have said back an “I love you” right after they had sex and he declared his own feelings. Oh God, Jeongguk already misses him so badly, misses his smile and his bright eyes, his curious and intelligent mind, his body and the warmth of his skin. Jeongguk loves him, craves for him—just as the first time he saw him at the bar, months ago. Jeongguk is still crying after a long moment, when he hears a strong knock on the door, asking for the bathroom. He automatically wipes his remaining tears with the back of his hand, his white shirt socked in an instant and breathes in and out for a last second before getting out of there. The man gives him a concerned look and asks if he’s okay, Jeongguk only nods, passing right through him. He walks, but he’s not conscious about it. His hand squeezes the paper, ball in his fist, trembling with frustration. In his head there‘re so many questions, his feelings everywhere, and still, he couldn’t fall in that Taehyung had really left. It felt like he hadn’t existed at all. In the Hotel there was already another artist replacing him, his lighter was fading away on his pocket and only the letter, wrinkled in his hand, told him Taehyung had been real. That the kisses, the conversations and the caresses weren’t an invention of his mind. He sighs, his chin trembling and his throat closing once again. He keeps walking but doesn’t know where he’s going. It seems to be a recurring thing in Jeongguk's life. Finally, near the door, he listens to the new artist’s presentation and indeed, nothing feels as before. The bubble of happiness in Jeongguk's life bursting abruptly and returning him to reality. He keeps walking nonsense, with his heart crushed on his hand, literally.

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