Im Preggers???

Chappie Five<33

I went to my vanity in my room, almost tripping over a chicken cutlet that had gone moldy. I opened my makeup bag and got to work.

Taking out my chicken fat lip gloss, I unscrewed it and applied it to my thin lips.

I smeared a ton of fryer grease on my face, because Richard told me it helps make more acne come up. What hot person doesn't have acne?!

Next I took my toothbrush and ran it through my bushy eyebrows, untangling them and picking out pieces of corn and mints.

I also put on very large earrings that are made of condoms! So I have two condoms dangling from my ears just in case I need them.

I also have a Belly button ring that also functions as a pregnancy test. Very useful.

I untied my pig tails and examined my hair. It was stringy and greasy. I usually have really sexy big, bushy hair. It's like an afro.

When I dont wash my hair it gets all flat and boring.

My favorite magazine, Locks that are Outrageous and Self Esteem Raising (LOSER for short) says that the fluffy Afro style is totally in right now for "special" girls.

I don't know why there's quotation marks on "special," but I'm special, right?! I mean my good looks are totally special.

Maybe that's why i have to put on this jacket without arms and meet my therapist in that squishy room every Saturday, because they don't want my stunning features to go to my head.

I undressed and got into the shower. I like to dance and sing in the shower.

"HIT MEH BAYBAY ONE MOAR TAYAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAME!!" I belted my amazing voice.

Did I mention I'm a very talented singer?

"IM TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT SO SEXY IT HURTS...!"

I continued to sing and dance suggestively while scrubbing in my diarrhea scented shampoo.

Suddenly, I heard something at the window. I jumped as the glass shattered and a man jumped onto the toilet.

He didn't realize it was open and fell in, slashing everything. He sheepishly wiped toilet water off of his pants and turned to me.

A moment of silence passed before I screamed randomly.

I recognized him, it was our neighbor Cornelius, the guy who got evicted from his little shack next door and then snuck into our backyard and ate creamed corn out of dirty coconut skins. He's strange.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BATHROOOOOOOOOOM?!" I shrieked, stretching out the o's for emphasis.

"Nofink, me was juzz wondurin if youz gotz any gravy for mah corn." he said, taking my naked body in. I backed away from him.

"It's in the medicine cabinet in my moms bathroom..." I said slowly. He casually walked out, and came back in with fists full of jewelry, money, and gravy.

"Thankzz," he grunted, standing up on the toilet. He couldn't reach his legs up without letting go of all the stuff, so he just jumped out. I heard a crack.

"Call one of demz ambulancezes.." I heard him groan.

"No way, who do you think I am, your butler?!" I snapped, grabbing a stick of salami from where mom keeps the tampons and hurling it down at him.

"Ouch."