After what felt like the shortest weekend ever, there I was back at school the place I dreaded but loved the most. Being at school meant that I had to do school and listen to long lectures about who knows what. But it also meant that I could see him. I would always tell my friends that I hated school and that I wanted to go home more than anything. That was half truthful, I did want to go home but that meant I wouldn't be able to see him.
The cycle went on. School day after school day I was getting sick of it. No matter how many times I was able to see him it never made me want to stay at school until we approached Christmas break. Christmas break, now, holds lots of memories for me. That upcoming Christmas break would make the 1 year anniversary of me 'liking him'. I almost got Deja Vu but this time, lots of things were different. I was different, my feelings were different, except one, the feeling of him. I can't describe it, it isn't like a butterflies feeling but it isn't nothing. It was like just knowing that he was in the vicinity made me happy. It made me feel comforted in a way. We approached the last day before Christmas break and once again, I said goodbye to my friends and we all went home. Christmas break was almost the exact same as last year. Nothing really important happened. I may have hung out with my friends a few times, but that was about it, but there was something different about this Christmas break, I didn't have a big change in my feelings about him. They were still the same as last year. The rest of the Christmas break I spent rotting away in my bed scrolling on TikTok endlessly, something that I do a lot.
We finally approach the last couple days of Christmas break and the dread and fear of going back to school quickly came back to me. I still didn't want to go to school. I just wanted to stay home and lay in my bed. But then I reminded myself that I wouldn't just be going for him, and that would be going for my friends and my academics I decided to choose to go because of my friends, my friends make my days a lot happier and more enjoyable. I was able to confide in them, and tell them what was on my mind without fear of any judgment. It was... nice.
As it always does, the cycle began again school day after school day until one specific day came up. I can't quite remember the date, but I was walking in from lunch with one of my friends when he was also walking in the hallway walking quickly to get back to the classroom. There was clearly enough space in the hallway for him to pass by without hitting me, but I guess he decided to push me when he walked by. He gently placed his knuckles on my upper arm and push me to the side. It wasn't very forceful. It was gentle, surprisingly, he doesn't really look like the type to be that gentle, after I notice who was it was that pushed me I was immediately overjoyed. I hadn't been that happy about something like that for quite a while. I surprised myself even.
Suddenly, a lot of memories came back to my mind from the days when I first started liking him the feeling that I had in my stomach, the butterflies, the enjoyment, the happiness, everything came back, and I got déjà vu I knew I had felt the same way in the past, but it was so different yet so alike, it was still the same feeling, but it didn't have the same effect on me.
