Two sisters. Two lives.

Silence

Today the girls all left for camp for the euros, I was gutted to not be there but I knew they would succeed easily. I hoped.
We came second in the league losing out to Chelsea, I was currently sat in the rehab room. Kim was across from me, Caitlin was beside me and Katie was opposite Caitlin. "You alright you seem quieter?" Katie asks me
"Sorry, I'm just gutted to not be there" I say
"We know you are" Kim says with a look of sympathy in her eyes
I lean back and take a sigh, "you know we could go to some of the games" Caitlin says
"Jordan invited me and Katie to go with her, surely your dad wants to go as well?" She asks
"Don't know, he might not be able to travel that far" I say
"Also I don't really think I want to hang out with my girlfriends ex" I say
"Jordan's cool with you and Leah, it was mutual. They are friends, nothing more" Caitlin says
"Full arsenal gang are going to support the arsenal girls" Kim says
"We are going with bukayo, Aaron and Gabriel martinelli" Kim says
"Hmm maybe" I say

I didn't even know myself if I wanted to watch them, did I want to watch the team that I could of been a part of me be successful and me not be able to taste a part of that victory? I know it sounds selfish and crazy because my girlfriend and sister plays for that team but I wish I was there. I know I've been more distant with Beth and Leah because of it, when they had to pack for it, when they had to leave. I wouldn't call it jealousy I would call it anger, I knew it wasn't their fault I couldn't be there. I just wanted to be there, the euros on home soil. That's rare, how the fuck was I meant to have that dream again? I fought so hard to get to this moment, to be able to walk out and play in a game even if I made 1 appearance just to have my name written in the books. But I wouldn't even have 1 appearanceI wouldn't have my name put in history, instead I watched from afar. I was proud of the girls the last camp Leah told me everyone was hyped for the tournament, they were all so nervous bur excited. Everyone knew this was the next 'big thing' especially since Sarina just became the manager. Everyone knew we had to win this, it was in England. It was in home turf we had to win this. If we didn't we would fail, we wouldn't get the recognition we deserve, and once again we would be sexualised by men, who think boys football is better.

I wanted to see my girlfriend have victory, I wanted to see her lift the trophy. But I don't know whether I would be able to watch her, Amanda has already messaged me asking me about the first game of the euros. Me and Amanda became good friends, like she was a gift from my mum, even though she's Leah's mum. She wanted to know if I wanted to go with her, she said that David and Jacob would be going with her and Leah's grandma. Everyone loved Bernie she had such a kind soul, she would make everyone happy. Also Leah's closest friends rosella ayanne and Alex Scott. I had met Alex from interviews but I'd never met rosella except from when Man City went against Tottenham.

"I'll think about it" I tell the girls
"We'd love to see you there" Kim says
"I'll see if my dad can go" I say
We finish with our rehab before the three girls go onto the pitch and once again I'm stuck in a gym attempting to figure out my balance and coordination again.
I see Steve the medic at arsenal approach me and rose (rose helps me with my progress during my injury) he comes closer and says "I've looked at your most recent scans"
"Yeah" I say
"It looks okay, however" he says. There it is, the however.
"You're relying too much on these" he says and lifts my crutches up. "Are you scared to walk by yourself?" Rose asks me
"I don't know, I feel like I'm going to fall if I do" I say
"Come on then" rose says and helps me walk. I had some confidence doing it by myself, but I guess I was being cautious and I figured that using my crutches would fix that problem.
"Other than that everything else is okay" he says
"Thank you Steve" I say
"Thanks Steve" rose then says

I get home after Caitlin drives me home "you know, everyone's here for you. We all understand it's hard for you" Caitlin says and touches my arm. I felt the tears fall down my face, "aww" Caitlin says and leans over to the passenger seat where I sat so she could hug me, "it's so silent" I cry
"I know" Caitlin says
She helps me out the car and unlocks the front door, we go in and I look around expecting to see someone, but of course I didn't.
I sit down on the sofa and Caitlin sits next to me "I know it's hard, I've never experienced it, but I get it" she says
I shrug my shoulders and look at her "I don't even know if I want to see the girls. Like, I feel so useless on the sidelines" I say
"I know" she says
"I just want to help" I say
"How about we call Leah?" Caitlin suggests
"I don't know" I say
Caitlin calls her anyone, "hey Leah" Caitlin says and waves to the camera as we were in FaceTime. "Hi, Cait? How's it going?" Leah says
"It's good" Caitlin answers
"How's camp?" Caitlin asks
"Camp is so good, Georgia and Keira was playing fifa last night and Beth accidentally tripped over the controller wire and she went head first into the tv. Spirits are high here" she says followed by a slight laugh.
"Sounds fun" Caitlin says with a smile. I get up "where you going?" Caitlin asks me
I shrug and go into the bathroom, I hear the conversation between Caitlin and Leah.

"Shit I should've thought sorry Cait. I'll call her later" I hear Leah say and the three beeps to say the calls ended.
I look at myself in the mirror feeling shit.