all we can do is keep breathing

seven.

maybe it's broken beyond repair.

||✚||

Christmas came and went without the satisfaction Harry was immensely hoping for. Jesse somewhat helped out as he promised and they took Avery on a four-day trip to Disneyland Resort, which she absolutely loved. But yet somehow it still felt...empty. Not the trip specifically, Harry had tons of fun with his daughter and they of course enjoyed themselves, but something still just felt off. Or maybe it was just him that felt off. That lingering feeling in his gut growing stronger day by day like a virus he just can't shake. Harry can't seem to reconcile himself as he once could no matter what he does or how hard he tries. And it continued on through New Years and then his birthday, following him all the way to March like a dark shadow.

Harry thought the passing of time would equate to the inevitable passing of his confusing feelings about Louis, but it seems as just the opposite is happening. But the thing is, he hasn't even seen Louis in all that time, they've had essentially no contact in months. That doesn't seem to matter though, because it's not necessarily the present Harry is dwelling on, it's the past—everything Harry swore never to go back to. A host of memories that aren't as forgotten as he'd like them to be.

Louis laughing at something utterly random Harry said, his beautiful, light yet full laugh that never failed to make Harry smile. Harry cooking dinner for them both while Louis gave Harry an exaggerated, yet detailed reenactment of his entire day, complete with his hilarious impressions of his most amusing patients. The two of them spread out under the stars with linked fingers, Louis carefully watching him with those eyes that never seemed to miss a thing, those eyes Harry was always getting lost in. Memory after neglected memory, each one evoking a new sense of longing from somewhere deep inside Harry.

And to make matters worse, the other night Harry woke up in a painfully hot sweat over an unexpected dream—a sex dream to be more specific. And since it wasn't about Jesse in any way whatsoever, Harry instantly felt incredibly guilty, like he cheated or something awful like that. But he didn't? Because it wasn't a conscious choice and in reality he and Louis haven't even had sex—ever. But regardless of that, the majority of Harry's guilt stems from the fact that when he first woke up, he immediately wished that it wasn't a dream, that Harry really did have Louis coming completely undone by his touch, enraptured by all the many sounds he makes and utterly overwhelmed by how wrecked Louis' voice sounds as he gasps out the softest I love you, moaning Harry's name as though his lips and his lips alone were made to form the word—

this has to stop, i'm fucking engaged

Harry needs to get his shit together, how is he supposed to marry Jesse when he's having dreams about another man. Something needs to be done about this and at the very least he needs to start being more transparent with his fiancé. He hates the idea of talking about this with Jesse, but he also hates the growing feeling of guilt looming over him. It's going to completely piss Jesse off, real or not, so Harry promised himself that once he gets back from his business trip to L.A. he's going to address this entire thing head on and come clean about his hopelessly confused state of mind. But right now, their lives have finally started to inch back towards normal, for the most part at least. Avery feels well enough to go back to school full time instead of doing her work from home and going in only a few days of the week like she was during her chemo treatments. And aside from Harry's internal turmoil, he and Jesse are doing good, they even locked down a few wedding plans. It's just not the best time to bring any of Harry's current stressors up, especially not as he is getting ready to go on a potentially lengthy trip.

"Ok, I have to go, my flight's in two hours." Harry announces after carting all his luggage to the door.

"I'll miss you, Daddy." Avery pouts up at him.