all we can do is keep breathing

nine.

haphazardly stitched back together.

||☤||

After several long hours, Harry's tears have ceased and the little breath he has left comes a little easier, exhaled quietly against Louis' chest. Exhaustion has completely overtaken Harry's weathered body and he has finally tired himself out enough to be soundly pulled to sleep. He's curled so tightly to Louis' body, as though he can't begin to function without him, fingers holding on for dear life even in his sleep. And all through the night Louis held him unwaveringly, keeping him calm, keeping him breathing.

Through a different lens, Louis has pictured this before in his mind so many countless times. Being helplessly tangled up with Harry again, content in just holding each other. And under any other circumstance, Louis would be overjoyed to have Harry back in his arms again, but this is not how he envisioned it would be.

Last night was emotional—painfully emotional. From the moment Louis forced words out of his mouth that he knew Harry couldn't handle, having to tell him an unimaginable truth that Louis had hardly even processed himself. And then to watch Harry completely lose himself, drowned in a sea of inescapable panic, screaming and crying inconsolably—it hurt so much, more than Louis ever thought possible. He's been working so hard to accept the distance that must remain between them, reminding himself as many times as it takes that he's over Harry, that perhaps they were always meant to remain beautifully unfinished.

Yet, regardless of what Louis told his mind, his heart felt far differently and he was near tears and on the verge of a mighty breakdown the entire time Harry trembled in his arms, just willing himself to be strong for Harry's sake. Pleading against his own sanity to somehow keep it together, while repeating the same two words in his head.

don't cry, don't cry, don't cry

Even as the worst began to pass away and he rocked Harry's exhausted body to sleep in his arms, Louis had to keep reminding himself not to break loose, not to crack. Harry needed strength, he needed steadfast comfort. So that's what Louis was for him. He didn't break down and he didn't succumb to the overwhelming emotion plaguing his heart, threatening to rip him apart from the inside.

And now, as the storm has momentarily ceased, Louis can't sleep. He can't get his mind to shut up and rest, still uncomfortably on edge. He runs his gentle fingers through Harry's hair as he continues to go through every single thing in that surgery, replaying it repeatedly on a loop in his head. He mentally goes over the haunting scans, overlaying them with what he vividly remembers about the tumor, trying to figure out how he can somehow find a way to overcome this.

The tumor is completely inoperable, that much is undeniable. Seeing the scans is one thing, giving Louis leeway to be optimistic, but then seeing it right before his eyes in truth and spirit, witnessing the greedy tendrils of cancer claim her body in such a malicious way, he can't deny it. There is no realistic way he can excise the tumor from her brain without either killing her or causing such drastic deficits, she would no longer possess what makes her human. What makes her Avery.

But even still, Louis' brain whirls, drawing up every possibility, every angle, every method he can possibly think of. Going through each hypothetical procedure, every calculated method, and every precise cut in his mind, desperately trying to figure out something—absolutely anything and everything that could save her.

Louis gazes down at Harry fast asleep in his arms, sweet and loving Harry. Things are far from perfect between them to say the least, but Louis would never wish this on him. As much as Louis wants to claim that he's over Harry, he can't deny that he still cares deeply for the man in his arms in a way that completely unnerves him at times. And despite the animosity and blind confusion towards their situation, seeing Harry in pain is worse than all of that combined. Seeing him so distraught, teetering near his breaking point was almost too much for Louis to reasonably bear and god only knows how Louis was able to keep himself together as he powerlessly bore witness to it.