Tying The Knot..... Literally

CHAPTER 3: From Aisle to Exile

I survived!

Oh my God!

I really should have thought twice before hopping into that deathtrap of a car that could have reached the gate of heaven anytime soon. My respect for walking increased today. Taylor Swift was onto something when she said I never think before I jump.

"Where to now?" I groaned, leaning against a gnarly tree smack dab in the middle of these spooky woods. It's so dark out here, but the moonlight is doing its best to guide us...just enough to know we're screwed. There's a path ahead, but a massive fallen tree is blocking it, like a big "nope" sign from the universe. Well, thank the stars for that, I'd rather hoof it than spend another minute in that cursed car.

"We just have to walk a few minutes and we'll reach the house," Dollar chimed in optimistically, standing beside me like he was auditioning for a survival show.

"What? Into those woods? Are you out of your mind?" Theo exclaimed, and I couldn't agree more.

"Well, you two need a hideout, and what's better than a creepy forest? No one would ever think to look for you here," Dollar insisted, trying to sound encouraging, but honestly, he's failing miserably.

"Ugh, fine. I guess we have no other choice," I grumbled, echoing Theo's sentiments.

"Wait! Where's NoMoney The Cat?" I panicked, scanning the area for my greedy Pomeranian. "He's still my baby."

"That was a cat, not a dog?" Dollar questioned, clearly confused.

"That 'thing' may be a dog, but his name is of a cat. Trust me, he's nuts as his name suggests, " Theo whispered to Dollar, but I caught every word. Traitor.

"Hey! You can't talk about my fur baby like that. One more word against him, and you'll be facing the wrath of a crazy dog mom! Now, find him!" I threatened, and they both scrambled to obey.

Right on cue, a bark echoed from inside the car. Dollar rushed to flung open the back door and out dashed my dog, still wearing that ridiculous wig.

"My baby! I'm sorry for dragging you into this mess. It'll get better, I promise," I cooed, smothering him with kisses.

"Lead the way, Dollar," Theo declared, hoisting NoMoney The Cat onto his shoulder like it's the most normal thing in the world. Classic Theo.

We followed the rickety wooden path, anticipation bubbling in our stomachs. Dollar, our supposed friend (emphasis on "supposed"), had promised us the perfect hideout – a secluded, inconspicuous place to lay low for a few days. But as we rounded the final bend, our jaws collectively hit the floor.

Instead of a cozy cabin nestled amongst the trees, we were faced with a looming monstrosity. Towering iron gates guarded the entrance, their rusty hinges groaning like the hinges of a torture chamber door. The overgrown lawn was a battlefield of weeds, and wild vines strangled the peeling facade like a deranged gardener gone rogue. It looked like the haunted mansion from a cheesy horror movie, complete with cobwebs and flickering lights – the only thing missing was a cackling mad scientist at the window.

"This can't be it, right?" Theo sputtered, his voice barely a squeak. His wide eyes mirrored my terror.

Dollar, ever the picture of nonchalance, shrugged and averted his gaze. "Well, like I said, you needed a hideout, and no one would think to look for you in... this charming fixer-upper." His voice dripped with forced enthusiasm, as unconvincing as a used car salesman trying to sell a lemon.

We weren't buying it. I glared at Dollar, my anger simmering. This greedy little weasel had probably sold us out for a quick buck. I should've listened to Theo when he voiced his doubts about trusting this shady character named after money.

"Absolutely not!" Theo declared, his voice surprisingly firm. "I'd rather sleep under a bridge, or, heck, even spend a night in jail! Anywhere but this creepy nightmare mansion!"

Dollar's eyes darted around nervously. "Uh... how about a wedding venue?" he blurted out, his voice cracking.

Theo and I stared at him, dumbfounded. "A what?" Theo finally managed.

"I said," Dollar repeated, "that if you don't want to stay here, your parents can always arrange a lovely wedding ceremony for you two from which you both eloped, accidentally,” his voice laced with sarcasm.

“It'll be like a vacation! Trust me for the time being. What could go wrong?" For the first time that day, a sliver of truth peeked through Dollar's usual facade of used car salesman charm. Even a broken clock, I thought, is right twice a day.

“Your choice. It's not like I am forcing you both or anything.” Said Dollar.
My life right now is about as full of choices as a vending machine with only one option left: lukewarm mystery flavor. Existential crisis.

As Dollar's "charming fixer-upper" loomed before us, NoMoney The Cat, perched precariously on Theo's shoulder with his ridiculous wig, let out a series of indignant barks that could rival a banshee.

"See? Even NoMoney The Cat hates it!" Theo exclaimed, pointing at the cat who promptly used Theo's head as a scratching post.

Undeterred, Dollar puffed out his chest, attempting to regain his used-car-salesman swagger. "Look, the mansion has its quirks, sure, but it's got… uh… character! And bats! Lots of character and bats!"

Theo, ever the pragmatist, squinted at the mansion before us. "Character, maybe. Safety? Absolutely not."

"Okay, maybe the wedding venue idea wasn't so bad," I huffed.

Theo sighed dramatically. "Fine, the mansion it is. But if we find a single cobweb, Dollar, I'm holding you personally responsible for arachnid-related therapy."

Dollar, his face paling faster than a ghost in the sunlight, stammered and joked, "Uh, right! Now, who wants to explore the honeymoon suite? I hear it has a Jacuzzi… and maybe even a ghost chef who whips up a killer soufflé!"

“Shut up Dollar.” Theo and I said in unison, our exhaustion evident. Our patience was wearing thinner than ice cubes left out of the freezer. Theo and I gave Dollar the side-eye so intense, it could've been 'Blank Space' worthy.