Don't Be A Chicken - Ronald McDonald x Colonel Sanders

Sizzling Oil

I hold my head high as I stride into the 69th annual fast-food convention. Confidence oozes out of me, leaking from every pore on my wrinkled, moist skin. I clutch the lapels of my crisp white suit and cast my eyes over my surroundings, grinning as the aroma of sizzling chicken and soggy fries wafts into my nostrils.

"Colonel! I haven't seen you in ages!"

Dairy Queen runs up to me, a huge smile spread over her porcelain skin. Her hair is the colour of cream and sits in a gorgeous weave atop her head. Wendy comes sauntering behind her, her movements serene and calm, sending a shiver down my spine. She's so cool. I wanna be her when I grow up!

"Hey Dairy Queen. You look wonderful," I purr, raking my eyes over her intricate white dress. She tickles the scraggly hair on my chin and giggles.

"And if you held me upside down, I'd still look like a treat!"
"I can vouch for that," Wendy says coolly, her voice soft and smooth like KFC mash and gravy. Dairy Queen tugs a strand of Wendy's bright red hair, smirking slyly.
"Wendy... Save it for the bedroom!"

The pair begin rubbing their noses together, and I clear my throat.

"Do any of you know where Burger King is?"

Wendy rolls her eyes.

"He's in a competition with his brother, Hungry Jack, who keeps insisting that his burgers are better. Go try their food and tell us which is better."
"Thanks, Wendy. Enjoy the convention!"
"You too, Colonel."

I take a step in the direction of a sign that says 'BURGER COMPETITION ->', but before I can embark on my journey, Dairy Queen grasps my arm.

"Be careful, Sanders. Ronald is here, and he asked me if you were coming. I think he's planning something..."
"B-but... He's never come to any of these conventions in the past!" I cry.
"We'll keep an eye out," Wendy assures me, but it doesn't ease the uneasiness in my gut. Dairy Queen releases me and I slowly waddle my way over to the Burger Competition, my head drooping low. When I finally arrive at the cooking station, I see Burger King and Hungry Jack throwing shredded lettuce at each other whilst rallying insults.

"You're ugly and fat!" Hungry Jack screams.
"We're literally twins, you jerk!" Burger King yodels back.
"Yeah, but I've been exercising lately. Those magpies will chase ya if they get the chance!"
"Yeah, well, at least I'm a king! All you've got is a stupid Aussie accent!"
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"
"Too late, loser!"
"EAT SOME SALAD, FATASS!"

Hungry Jack wrestles Burger King to the ground, shoving pickles into his mouth. Burger King waves his arm out, trying to fend off his brother, but Hungry Jack is relentless. Burger King's crown slides off of his sweaty head, and I quickly snatch it.

"My my, what a small cock ring," I tease, and the squabbling pair immediately scramble off of the floor.

"Colonel! How are you, mate?" Hungry Jack exclaims, a smile tugging at his lips.
"Old and suffering from arthritis, but what else is new?" I chuckle. Burger King yanks his crown from my hands and drops a squashed burger onto my palm.

"Try it. It's better than Jack's."
"I'll give you chlamydia, brother. I hugged a koala and bam, now I have a contagious STD... You have been warned."

I nervously take a bite of the burger, and their attention snaps back to me.

"Now try mine!" Hungry Jack thundercunts a burger at my face, and I catch it between my dentures. It tastes the exact same as his brother's.

"Whats the verdict?" They ask in unison, and I begin to fiddle with my fingers.
"They both taste the s-"

I'm interrupted by a sudden slap to my ass. Every muscle in my body tenses, and my blood runs cold. A cold hand caresses the side of my face, and someone leans in close to my ear.

"Did you McLove that...?" whispers my childhood bully.

I am entirely and utterly screwed.