Can We Make It Through This?

Chapter 1

Johnnie could feel it coming back. The negative thoughts. The depression. The anxiety. Sure, it never really went away but fuck, this was bad. It felt like the weight of everything was starting to pile on top of him again. It filled his body with concrete that made him want to crawl into his bed and stay there forever.

With every little piece of work starting to pile up on him after he took a few days off to visit his mom, he knew that he couldn't handle it. He felt the debilitating anxiety seeping into his chest and lungs as he saw everything he needed to catch up on. Especially with so many more people starting to watch him now, everything seemed just a bit more difficult.

He had to ignore it though. He knew that the fans analyzed his every move. He knew that if he seemed even a bit out of touch, they would probably catch on. And if he dwelled too much in his negativity, he knew the dark places his thoughts would take him.

Johnnie POV

Johnnie knew he had to wake up earlier than 4pm today, but when he already felt like a bigger piece of shit than usual, waking up was one of the worst feelings ever. Especially when he could barely sleep in the first place and had to hear a blaring alarm in his ear at 9am. Turning off his alarm, he checked his phone for messages and took a quick check of his socials. As he saw more and more people questioning his recent disconnect from the internet, that overwhelming feeling returned. He switched his phone off, lightly throwing on the pillow next to him. He pulled the covers over him once again and focused on his rapidly thumping heart and short breaths. He hated this feeling. Why can't I just be normal? He felt his self-loathing thoughts progressively getting more and more negative as he lay there. He couldn't let his head get that bad again. He couldn't do to Jake what he'd done to everyone else in his life.

So instead he got up from his bed and freshened up slightly. He made a genuine effort to avoid looking at the little box of razor blades that was sitting in the drawer next to his electric shaver that he had gotten for the very reason of stopping the temptations that he had with using a regular razor. He had bought the blades while drunk as an act of desperation during one of his more recent breakdowns. He didn't have it in him to get rid of them, even after his mind was finally in a better place. But he walked out of the bathroom knowing he was going to only focus on the work he had to catch up on today.

After hours of editing, posting on his different socials, and streaming, he finally allowed himself to leave his room. He sat in the living room and put on a random movie that was on TV. He couldn't watch anything for the actual plot at the moment because he needed to turn off his brain for a while.

Just as he had gotten comfortable on the sofa, Jake walked in whistling some random song he was listening to.

"Oh hey, man. Whatcha watching?"

Johnnie just looked up at Jake and shrugged, "I genuinely have no idea. I just need my brain to stop functioning for a little bit."

Jake chuckled a bit at that. "Alright I'll leave you to it I guess," and he walked into the kitchen to grab a snack. Johnnie couldn't bear the idea of eating right now. He always had more difficulty with it when things got harder, but just the thought of putting food into his body sickened him.

He turned back to the TV and watched as one of the male characters cried dramatically as one of the female characters was shown driving off in the distance. His mind drifted to his previous relationship. He couldn't help but think back to how helpless he felt as his ex had left him. How much hatred he felt for himself. He knew that neither of them were really at fault for most of what went wrong in their relationship, but as she left, the only thing that he remembered thinking about was how he felt like he would never be able to forgive himself for being such a messed up person.