The Memories of White

January

Thirty-four

Evera

It was too bright, too white, the snow... The sky dark, all around us dark, but the snow made it bright in the darkness, turning the light blue.

I walked and walked, my feet bare in the snow. My jeans wet and cold, and the thin shirt I was wearing was not enough protection from the cold. The cold was outside and inside me, making my blood slow and my lips blue.

I looked behind me at the trail my feet left in the snow, a lone trail of barefoot footprints between the trees. I saw her there, following my trail. Her hair redder than ever, burning all around her, like fire flowing from the top of her head and down her back. She was wearing a white draping gown that made her seem like she was floating. The color of the fabric melting into the snow all around her...around us.

Her blue eyes fixed on mine, as her lips, that were painted the same color as her hair, moved. I stopped to hear what she was saying, to make out the words. "Together forever, meant to be together forever. Come to me." Her singsong voice was full of hope and promises.

I felt myself reach out to touch her hand that was stretched out to me, the long pale fingers beckoning me to come with her. Stumbling, I walked back towards her, my arm out ready to take her hand when I got close enough. As my fingertips touched hers, she flickered in the fading blue light, and then she was further away on the path. I picked up my pace, running and stumbling to get close enough to take her hand, my vision blurring with tears.

"I love you." The words were a whisper on the wind, and as I looked at her, she smiled and turned slowly towards the trees. Her form flickering and fading, until she was gone. I ran, screaming, to the spot where she had been standing, but there was nothing there.

I turned to look for her, turning and turning, until the world was spinning out around me. The trees were moving further and further apart, until I found myself on my back in the snow, with only the starry night sky above me. The scream in my throat fading to nothing, until all I had was the cold beneath me, and the vastness of the sky above.

I woke up blinking the tears out of my eyes. My mom was still missing, which was making my nightmares all too real, justifying my fears... How could they not find her? She hadn't been back to the loft, or to the chalet. She'd simply turned away from me in the woods, and disappeared. One moment there...the next gone. Like she was a ghost. It was a constant scene in my nightmares.

I was afraid all the time. I couldn't sleep because of the nightmares, and I saw movements in every shadow. The fear of her returning to take me back to that room, to that forest and leave me again, had me crippled. I had a hard time keeping food down, and I felt myself breaking into a cold sweat at all times, day and night. The fear freezing my body in place, and even breathing became difficult.

I couldn't talk about it, couldn't say anything about my time there and about my fear. I hated the look of pity and concern on people's faces. It killed me to see what all this had done to my dad. I couldn't tell him about the nightmares, the fears, it would only burden him even more. He was worried enough about me as it was, without knowing about these panic attacks. I could tell Lian, he would listen and he would try to help. He would want me to unburden myself, to lean on him, but he didn't understand.

Everything had been so great with Lian. At the hospital when I was found, he had told me he loved me, and we'd felt so connected. He'd felt so real after all that had happened. My mind had been clearer then than it was now. Not muddled with fear. Even though I didn't want to, I felt myself pull away from him, from my friends, from my family. Like I was here, but still not. I was like an empty shell, my body here, but my mind away. I know it's hurting him, not knowing what's going on with me, why I'm pulling away. I can see it on his face.