The Death Tarot Card

wonder

I wonder if you ever look and check up like I do
I wonder if you're working now
Or at college
Or with a partner

I'm at college now
I have friends here, but they're all busy
With their classes and new significant others

And im glad that my homework keeps me busy
Gives me an excuse to not text or call them on the weekends
Because i know they're busy
And them being busy just reminds me of not having that kind of person for me yet

But hey, good things take time
And if it's one thing I've learned, rushing into relationships doesn't mean they'll be happy and last
So I'm okay with this stagnant phase of just being
Of feeling the love of friends and family and appreciating the small happiness here and there

I don't think I really ever got my feelings back
Haven't felt joy in a while and I remain... unimpressed with how my head and heart handle things
I have a shrink now, but she doesn't help much (at least not to me)

I dunno, I'm kind of just going along with my life and figuring out as I go 
I mean, besides school of course
These nursing pre-reqs are not gonna pass themselves that's for damn sure

Believe it or not, I'm in a sorority
A fake one, if you will
More closely related to divine nine, but obviously not divine nine

We do community service
A lot
Like as in i froze my ass off directing people where to park at a farm at 10 am kind of service

But gamma sig gives me so much and I'm so grateful

I never realized how much I'd miss home until I was away from it
I miss hearing my dogs paws on the hardwood floors and her jumping on me with full speed

I miss my mom taking me places and gossiping with me
I miss me and my dad's banter

I write to Amber now. She's in rehab (RSAT to be exact)
Seems to be doing well

I've visited her a couple times and she's gained some healthy weight and isn't as down in the dumps as she used to be
There's light behind her eyes now, even if it is miniscule

Some people have passed. My grandparents on my dad's side
I didn't know how to feel or how to help
I wasn't close with them but my dad was
And the only thing I knew how to do was be there for him, but it's hard to do that in a college dorm an hour and a half away

It's weird with them being gone
It's even weirder meeting people who are Family that I've never seen before
And seeing my little nephew who had a lightening McQueen bed now have a little mustache

God does that mean we're getting old?

God it's so beautiful here in Milly, you'd love it.
All of you would

I've been humbled greatly in the academics since I've been here, I will admit that
I've also had my fair share of crushes on weird men that have since faded
Which is good because looking back what in the fuck was I thinking

I thought about texting
Just to see
Just to hope a little bit

But that'd be weird, right?

We were young and stupid and expected so much from each other
Unforgiving as well (mostly me if we're being honest)

I don't know if I've ever said it but
I'm sorry
For making you feel that way
Not everything was about me and not everything you did was meant to harm me

I see that now
I'm sorry it took me so long to realize

I think it would be weird. To reconnect like this
We should save it for holidays or visiting
For Walmart's at 9 pm and having to do double takes to see if that's really the same person

I don't know
You seem to be busy and with new people
I don't want to disrupt that and bring you back to middle school

We're grown now
Mature, if you will

Lastly, I want to say im proud of you
For making it this far and still going
For loving again even if it hurts
For not giving up on yourself or your life

To you, and everyone else: the world is a better place with you in it

Oh! I grew out of my blackbear phase. He still holds a place in my heart, but Noah Kahan has been my favorite lately.

Ps. I have 4 tattoos now, and one of them is based on a noah kahan song

Okay bye
Luv ya (truly)