The Gentle Giant and the Melancholy Monster

Chapter 9

"She thinks she's a boy. Go, read it! This is so weird!" Leah hands the book to her friend, Crystal. Crystal reads part of it out loud. It was so strange to me, especially because I no longer cared. Since I left the classroom with my book on my desk, I felt the pressure of hiding and wanting everyone to know all at the same time suddenly vanish. It always was going to come to this. I guess I just didn't expect it to happen so soon. I didn't even think of it until I got to school today. My reputation wasn't at all perfect, but I knew now that the image everyone had of me was now gone. According to them, I have a real boyfriend from Arizona, and I still may or may not be a prostitute. I marched to the center of the classroom, and sat and looked straight at Leah as she read from a page in the book. About waking up and feeling like I'm in a stranger's body. Like my name doesn't feel like it's my own. Everyone listened. Hung onto every word. Like she had them in a trance. Part of me wondered if maybe they were understanding the words I wrote. But it was too good to be true. When I take a look around me, I see disgusted looks and wide eyes on me and see some girls with their phones out, recording everything. By the time Miss Leroy realizes what Leah was reading, she yells at the class to have their attention on her. Everyone listens and takes a seat. The woman wasn't fit or strong by any means, but a woman as hefty as her sure frightened us when she would get angry. Her face turned a deep shade of pink, and her lips scrunched into themselves. She twitches her nose and shakes her head slowly. Disapprovingly. Crystal quickly tosses the book to Leah, and then Leah tosses it to me, suddenly not wanting anything to do with it. Miss Leroy waddles over and snatches the book from me, causing me to wipe the smile right off my face and blur my eyes with my tears.

"I don't know why you would write this, but it's becoming a distraction. Meet me after class."
Everyone in the classroom seems to be looking up at the ceiling, or out the windows, not paying any attention to Miss Leroy, or even their phones, like they usually would. No, I was finally certain that I was in everyone's thoughts. Unlike the rumors from before, they all know this is real. It was both terrifying to think about and incredibly powerful. I felt like I finally earned my rights to be myself. Like I wasn't allowed to before today. Like my life hadn't begun until now. I know now that Lucian is finally seen, even if everyone hates him.

***

"Atarah Bucur, what was that stunt you pulled? Why was everyone watching Leah read your journal?"

"Why aren't you talking to her? She's the one who took my journal and read it. I was just writing what I felt one night."

For a moment, Miss Leroy looked as though she wanted to be my friend. Play nice. She sits back down at her desk and pulls up the uncomfortable chair sitting in the corner. I sat down. "Atarah, tell me more about what you're feeling."

I stay looking down at the carpet, feeling a mixture of shock, happiness, and fright. "Well, I guess I've always been a guy. I don't belong here. In this body, or this school. Part of me wanted everyone to find out."

"Now, why would you want that? Enlighten me."

"I want to be myself, Miss Leroy. Whether or not anybody understands, this is who I am."

"So you're saying you're a boy. In a girl's body. You're not Atarah?"

I nod my head. She's getting it. "Yes. I'd rather be called Lucian ."

"Lucian, huh? Well, Atarah, I'm afraid I can't call you that. If you wish to transfer schools, you can have that talk with your parents. But I would highly suggest you find a counselor or a therapist. Tell them how you feel. I think if you were guided down the right path, you'll realize you're just a confused girl, not happy with going through changes, like puberty."