The Gentle Giant and the Melancholy Monster

Chapter 17

On the school event calendar hung up on nearly every wall in the building of the school, the date "April 29th" stood out in red, bold print. The first day of state testing. All day Wednesday, and all day today, we have been constantly reminded by each and every teacher to get enough sleep, eat a healthy breakfast, and pay attention. I wasn't really sure how much sleep we were supposed to get. Eight hours? Enough to stay awake? Twelve, fourteen hours? I only get around five hours of sleep a night these days. Lora made sure I ate breakfast every day, and there's no hiding anything from her. Which is why I shouldn't have been as surprised as I was when she sat me down after school today and suggested I go to therapy.

But, therapy is for broken people. I'm not broken. I like to think of myself as those bowls that get pieced back together with gold. Kintsugi. Sebastian is my gold, and now that I have him, he's there to pick up the pieces. Being reliant is shitty, and I don't want him to be responsible for every time I fuck up, but he's always there. Or, even if he isn't, the thought of him is.

"Lucian, you need therapy. You need a professional," Lora explains. She tries reasoning with me, but I'm dead silent, sitting in the chair across from her in the living room. "Just give it a try. We can get you in next Friday, after state tests are over. If you can make it 'til then, we can schedule it tonight."

"So, what, you've been planning this behind my back?"

"No. No, I just wanted to see what options we had. If you came to me about it. But I don't think you're seeing what I see."

"And what do you see, Lora? What's wrong with me? If you know what's wrong with me, just diagnose me yourself," I reply.

"Honey. Please. You need someone to talk to that is still doing these things. You know I used to be a therapist, but I was suggested that I have you see someone else who isn't in your family. So you can tell that person anything, and all of it is confidential."

"Why do you assume I even need it? Yeah, I'm not happy all the time. But nobody is."

"I'm just worried, Lucian. You're hardly sleeping, and Amera's mom contacted me right before you got home."

"W-what?" My heart sank, because I knew exactly where this was going. "What did she say?"
Lora gets up, and kneels in front of the chair I was sitting in. She spoke gently. Empathetically. "Amera told her mom that she's worried about you. She hasn't seen you eat lunch in over a week, and you haven't been wanting to talk with them as much. Like you've been distant. Did something happen with them?"

"No. Nothing happened with them," I mumble. When Lora looks up into my tear-filled eyes, I lose it. I lose all control. I sob, and trail off, spouting mostly gibberish she couldn't understand.
"Take a breath. Take a moment, sweetie. When you're ready, tell me how you've been really feeling. What goes on through your head, when you skip lunch, and avoid your friends."

I finally stop my crying, and my face turns red from embarrassment, and even more as I speak. "I don't know what's happening, honestly. I have these amazing new friends. An amazing new home, and Sebastian is back in my life. But I still feel like something isn't right. Like I'm not functioning right, like everyone else."

Lora listens closely. She doesn't interrupt. She waits until I've finished my thought. "Like, maybe something isn't resolved?"

"Maybe. I don't know. It's like, I have all the tools to be happy. My life is good. But I don't feel good. I don't match my surroundings. Does that make sense?" I was doubting everything that came out of my own mouth as I spoke, truly just afraid it wouldn't make any sense to anyone, but Lora seemed to understand me more than anyone. And maybe that's just sad. That my mom could never be like my aunt. But it's what I needed right now, so I'm grateful, even as I'm breaking down silently in tears as we try to find a solution. "And, most of all... I worry. I worry about disappointing my mom every day, even though she isn't in my life anymore. I worry that I'm depressed, and that proves that she messed me up. Or maybe I'm so messed up, and that's why she doesn't bother staying in touch."