Swim

The cut that always bleeds

When Regina was 12, she was in love for the first time. She'd been in love with Janis, whether that was because Gretchen always had Karen and Janis was hers, or maybe it's something that Regina wouldn't have recognised enough to identify as a real reason.

Either way, Regina loved Janis.

Regina also loved her dad, in a different way of course but the point still stands. And despite how much Regina loved Janis, she loved her dad more. Despite the fact that he was a horrible person and that was something that Regina didn't figure out until she was sat at the top of the stairs crying as her dad threw a glass at her mum.

So when her dad told her it was wrong and disgusting to be gay, Regina believed him. No matter what her heart was telling her. So, when the game of truth and dare happened, she freaked. Blurting out what came to her mind first.

"I knew she'd kiss me; she's obsessed with me." Regina, now a few weeks off her 13th birthday felt her heart crumple up in pain.

Janis's face scrunched up, tears welling in her eyes, she'd had a look of betrayal in her eyes. And her hands clenched tightly.

She'd ran from the room, tears not having fallen in front of Regina, but Regina knew that when she did cry, and she definitely did cry, Regina was the cause of the tears. And that hurt almost as much as the expression on her face.

And so Regina turned sad, and then she got mean. She became her father, and she was proud of it because she felt... hopeless. She didn't have a party that year, she stayed in her room all day.

Her parents came up with presents but Regina didn't want any presents.

Regina wanted Janis. And Regina pushed Janis away.

She cried all day, and then she vowed to never be as stupid as that again. Love, real, sincere love, was a waste of time. Maybe that's why Regina spent the past so many years dating boys, boys that aren't good enough for her, and boys that could never break her heart as bad as that look on Janis's face that night.

Sure, Regina has been missing the closeness between herself and Cady, but then again, she misses the relationships with everyone she had. She rarely sees her mum anymore, and her mum tries so hard. Regina has a lot of amends to make.

But if there is one thing, she is sure of, and she is very sure of this.

She doesn't have a crush on Cady, Cady isn't like Janis.

And she absolutely didn't have a crush on Janis either, even if she missed their sleepovers, and the comfort of knowing she had something sacred. Something nobody else understood. And Regina ruined it.

Regina spends the rest of the day after the phone call with Janis sat in her room. She sits and she writes and writes in her diary. She has a lot of feelings to get out. She mindlessly wonders if she should go back to therapy, she pushes it to the back of her mind, but she knows she probably should. She knows she's been bad recently, and she knows she's a terrible friend.

By the end of the day, she's made her mind up, she's going to therapy even if she has to force someone to make her go. But who would she get to do it?

///

Regina goes for a drive the next day, at 4 in the morning. She doesn't know where she's going, just that she's driving and she keeps driving until she pulls into a random McDonald's parking lot. Might as well get some food if she's not going to sleep.

She goes in and orders an egg and cheese McMuffin, carrot sticks and a caramel Iced frappé. She pays and then leaves to eat in her car, as she leaves she notices a building across from the fast food place.