poems for the dead

a letter to the boy stuck in my mind(that ill never send)

Hi, it's me.

Do you remember when I told you I liked you?
I apologized and begged you not to hate me, it was a self-destructive act because I didn't like being alive at the moment.You said you could never hate me and you weren't sure how you felt.

I knew you were on the aro/ace spectrum and kept pushing. I couldn't take what you gave me.
Granted, I thought you were avoiding the truth the same way you were avoiding me. And you were avoiding me. I would avoid me too if I could.

So I asked again how you felt, begged for a real solid answer, you said you liked me. I couldn't take this though, and pressed on. You were ditching me for someone who was supposed to be your ex, or just because.

One of the tipping points was when we were supposed to hang out and you brought them, and they were talking shit about me without knowing I was there already.

So I asked for a final time and you wouldn't answer. You said you might be able to like me, might fall for me, might like me you didn't know. I should have taken that. Maybe things would be different, maybe I wouldn't have messed things up as much. Or maybe we were doomed from the start. Maybe I'm too unstable to date, to have friends.

God, at this point I just want to be your friend.
It's just so hard. I constantly feel like you're picking others over me, I can't connect to you, can't get past your walls, and worst of all, can't stop wishing you weren't my friend. That we were more.

So, yeah, I'm still in love with you. Surprise. Or not, depending on how obvious it is. I was never good at hiding my card, never good at being casual. Especially with you.

You're my outlier, you're the one I always come back to, the one I've never managed to get over. If I can't have you as a partner, can't we be friends? I want to be your best friend. But how can I do that when I'm a neurotic liar? When I look at you and think of us? When right under my skin is a traitorous heart?

Plus you're taken! I can't do this. It's fucked up. I can't tell if I want to be with you or just not feel like this anymore. I wish I could just know.

The one thing I always wanted but will never get. You'll never tell me you don't like me that way, that you never will and never have. You're too stupid and sweet to do that.

Everyone loves you, and I get it, trust me. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't such a basket case. That you would think of me a quarter of the time I think of you.

Love,
The Nerd Staring at You When He Thinks You're Not Looking