the love rectangle

둘*

i stand in front of the mirror in my dressing room, not registering my reflection. today is the first day. what am i even wearing? i don't know. i'm trying to look at myself but i'm definetly daydreaming instead. we're going to be acting together. i can't focus on anything, can't concentrate. i can tell it's affecting my ability to do my job but like...what's a guy gonna do? deep breaths, Two. i'm falling for my co star, the main lead. reading the script was hard enough. today we will start putting what we read into action and the thought is enough to make me hyperventilate. he probably thinks i'm an idiot or that my parents bought my place in the cast. if only.

i'm not an actor on accident. i wanted this. worked for this. fought for this. my parents were not happy when i chose to go into acting instead of getting a sensible degree. thank the stars they weren't paying for my education; i owe where i am now to my uncle [my mother's brother she is currently refusing to speak to] and scholarships. it took me some time to break into the industry and start getting paid roles; i think my parents were hoping i would get discouraged and go back to school for something they deem more respectable. then i got cast as the second lead in an up and coming bl drama and it was all over. i might as well be dead. there was no fall out, no screaming or tears. radio silence. no response to calls or texts or emails. i tried going by my childhood home and found it empty....with the locks changed. my grandmother said they went on a trip but wouldn't say where. my uncle who is also being ostracized by our family for enabling my "poor decisions" hunted my parents down a week into this nonsense after witnessing my mental breakdown. i don't know what he said to them but i got a text from my mother the same night, saying that she would be sending me periodic updates on their health and that it was "best for our family to have some space right now". about once a week my father or she text me to let me know if they are healthy and alive. i'm informed if they get sick or go to the doctor, but that's it.

i respond "thank you for telling me" to every single one.

i've gone over it endlessly with my uncle since then. they weren't this upset over me coming out but he said that wasn't as big of a deal because they could still hide it and our society these days lends to the type of ambiguity that helps them save face. now that i am becoming more well known, the truth is eventually going to come out and that is more than they can handle. he didn't tell me much else but i can tell from the look on his face every time he talks about them, he is disgusted with their behaviour. them and anyone else in our family who has sided with them. i asked him where my parents are the first night i received a text from my mom. he got very quiet and then asked if i really wanted to know. i spent two days thinking about that question before realizing, i didn't. he said i didn't owe them any response to their communication but that it was my choice; he made it clear the updates will continue whether i respond or not. he also gave me a key for the new locks on my childhood home and said i am free to go visit if i want but to please take either him or a friend with me when i do. over time i have become far less curious about where my parents are and far more curious about what exactly he said to them or the rest of my family.

my uncle is not a boisterous man. he's not overtly friendly either. i never would have pegged him as my biggest supporter when everything started going down; i ended up reaching out to him after my parents, my closest aunt, one of my older cousins and my grandmother were all refusing to speak to me.....if you can call reaching out showing up at someone's door at 9pm on a week night inconsolable. the next day i was refusing to eat. he took time off of work and spent two days searching for my parents. after he found them and had the "conversation" that resulted in them [barely] speaking to me again, i tried going back to my apartment but he was having none of it. he and his wife moved their entire family closer to the city after my breakdown so that i could be close to work but not alone, broke the lease on my apartment, put most of what i own into storage and moved me in with them.

when their children asked why they were moving, my aunt and uncle told them i was having a hard time right now and needed support and love that my own parents couldn't give me. the first night in the new house they all insisted on sleeping in my room with me in case i needed "support" in the night. at some point after i finally managed to fall asleep with all their whispering and giggling, my aunt and uncle joined us. family sleepovers are now a highly requested specialty but thankfully, they don't only happen in my room.

my cousins have never stopped thanking me for saving them from the boring, lengthy bus commute to and from school. they also haven't stopped stealing my clothes, sneaking into my room, trying to beguile me into helping them cheat on their homework, and pestering me for attention or to play with them. when i get home, one of them usually beelines to the front door offering to remove my jacket or shoes for me, loudly declaring they are doing it with LOVE because THEY LOVE ME. i'm the one whose bed they sneak into now, at night, whenever they or sad or have had a nightmare. i've become a combination of cool older brother/cool older cousin. one of them insisted on bringing me to their show and tell at school; i thought i was there to watch what she was presenting but i was the presentation. her teacher was astonished and the rest of the class exuberant about having a "real, cool actor, who TOTALLY got the best grades in school AND college" visit their school. [my cousin's social status skyrocketted after this event.]

it was during the adjustment of living with my uncle, aunt and cousins that i received a call back about my current role. i almost didn't go. my uncle offered to take off work and go with me but my aunt said that it was her turn. when we walked in to the office, the director asked why i had brought my girlfriend with me. i was embarrassed but she laughed it off, introduced herself as my mother and explained that her presence was due to some health concerns she had had lately. he tends to overwork himself when it comes to things he is passionate about. he's very driven. i'm not sure if he's up for this but he was really excited after his first audition, so i relented and let him come on the condition that i came with him. i hope it's alright and i hope you don't think i'm overbearing or controlling. i want what is best for my son; he thinks that is acting in your show and i want to see him succeed. she explained my wan, overdrawn demeanor and her presence in one fell swoop. nobody questioned it. i got a second call back, then a third, then an offer for the role.

i had some doubts but my aunt and uncle encouraged me to take it and i'm glad i listened to them. having this project to work on has really grounded me during all the upheaval of the past few months.

this is my first real acting job, being cast as a lead. [a second lead, but still.] i have no clue what i'm doing. most of my family isn't speaking to me. i'm just a dumb twenty something. i know i have talent but i need to get out of my head and let that show. i auditioned well because i hadn't met him yet. today is not the day to be making mistakes.

*a knock on the door interrupts my train of thought*

staff: hello?? Two? are you in there? *the door opens*

Two: *shakes himself and turns around* hi, yes. sorry. are you waiting for me?

staff: yes, everyone is heading to the set now. if you're all set you can head over.

the butterflies start as if on cue.

Two: coming!

*author's note: the chapters/parts cycle through numbers 1 - 4 in different languages; the name of the chapter is the point of view of the character with the same name; so the first chapter is the POV of One, this chapter is Two's POV, when it is Three's the chapter title will be 3, when it is Four's it will be 4. i will not be adhering to numerical order; it is entirely possible i will have chapter 1, then 2, then 1, then 3, then 2, then 4, then 3. i haven't decided how many languages i will use and i actually started this whole story as a joke because i can count to three in so many different languages. four is definitely stretching my skill set but i like a challenge. starting in korean was probably not the best idea but i am invested now [yes, after only two parts], sooooooooooooo. yeah. lmk if you have a language you wanna see me use.